


It will come when you're ready for it

by Everyskyisblue



Series: Tender and tough [2]
Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Banter, Bipolar Disorder, Chronic Illness, Depression, First Dates, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Grief/Mourning, Kissing, Light Angst, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Physical Therapy, References to Depression, Schizophrenia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-23
Updated: 2021-01-15
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:08:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 22,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24341830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Everyskyisblue/pseuds/Everyskyisblue
Summary: This is a continuation of my first fic,And here you are, living, despite it all, where Even is a physiotherapist and meets Isak at a physio clinic.In the second part of this verse, Isak and Even are helping each other brave the world, together. There's lots of talk of mental health, figuring out your path in life, and being brave enough to open up to new experiences - and love.be tender and tough at onceyou need to be vulnerable to live fullybut rough enough to survive it all(from a poem by Rupi Kaur; yes, I'm very cliche and very much into her work)
Relationships: Even Bech Næsheim & Isak Valtersen, Even Bech Næsheim/Isak Valtersen
Series: Tender and tough [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1757368
Comments: 34
Kudos: 89





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! 
> 
> Finally, I'm back with some more moments of our boys. This is a continuation of my first fic, And here you are, living, despite it all, but you can read it on its own. I won't be referring to the previous fic a lot, although it would probably make sense to read it first if you want to get a complete picture ;)
> 
> I only have a few chapters written so far. Honestly, I wanted to finish the whole thing and post it only then, but it was already taking me so long and I got stuck a few times, so I figured it might be better to just start posting. And guys, any comments or kudos are REALLY appreciated, so don't be shy, they're the best fuel!
> 
> Please check the warnings for this fic, I'll be adding them as we go. 
> 
> And enjoy!

The first few days after leaving the clinic were bizarre. It was honestly a challenge for Isak to get back to his usual routines: work, chilling with friends, an occasional party or a bar night, wasting time watching Netflix or playing video games - oh, and of course feeling sorry for himself, let’s not forget that. Soon, Isak was back to where he had been before the accident. Most people would be happy to feel unchanged; Isak, however, felt even more empty now. If a freaking car accident didn’t make him appreciate life, was there anything that could?

Well… then there was Even. Isak blushed at the mere thought of him. He immediately saw Even’s smile in his head, his eyes crinkling, teeth showing, his head thrown back as he laughed. Even was the only thing that kept Isak slightly excited throughout the day, made him not hate his life when he had to get up early in the morning (anytime in the morning was too early for Isak).

He honestly felt like a teenager, always checking his phone for new messages from Even - feeling disappointed when there were none and ridiculously excited whenever a new notification lit up his screen. He almost felt embarrassed at the way he was behaving but, somewhere in the back of his mind, there was a thought that it was the first time he was experiencing it all. So what if he was acting like a teenager when he was actually in his twenties. He also had the right to experience this rush of feelings, the excitement and the nervousness, the anticipation and the longing. He finally got to live through a crush on someone, without dismissing his thoughts and feelings, or worse, denying them in the first place. It was almost exhilarating.

But he was on his way to meet Even so he really had to stop blushing and keep his eagerness and excitement under control.

Even didn’t tell Isak what they would be doing. It turned out that Even was mysterious like that, and also slightly goofy, finding it fun when Isak tried to coerce him into revealing his plans - which obviously didn’t work. Isak just ended up feeling slightly embarrassed, which Even found cute - he literally said so. It made Isak blush so hard he felt tempted to hide his face in his palms. Instead, he got a brief hug from Even and what he swore felt like a kiss to his forehead. He practically swooned a bit on the inside.

They were meeting at the entrance of Middelalderparken. Isak wouldn’t peg Even for a nature gay but then again, he did like to spend lots of time outside. It reminded Isak he didn’t know Even very well. _Yet_.

So of course Even would plan for their first date to be a stroll through a park. Isak’s thoughts suddenly came to a stop; was calling it a date presumptuous? He couldn’t deny he really wanted it to be one. Was Even thinking of it as a date? Should Isak ask? Or maybe better just try to get a feel of the situation?

Isak’s internal debate was interrupted by a cheerful voice yelling in his general direction, “hey!”, so he immediately turned towards it.

“Hey,” Isak said with a small smile, even though it was a strain to keep his facial muscles from bursting into a full-blown grin.

“Hi, Isak,” Even replied, giving him his signature easy-going and kind smile. Isak melted.

“So what are we doing today?” Isak decided to ask to (maybe, hopefully) prevent himself from doing anything embarrassing.

“Ah, so impatient,” Even poked him lightly in the shoulder, then decided to rub it, as if to make it feel better. Could Isak possibly melt any more? “Do you have your travel card topped up?”

Isak got a bit suspicious at that. “Why? Aren’t we going to the park?”

Even laughed and shook his head. “No! Of course not. Who do you take me for? Do you really think I’d take you to a park on our first date? Not that I don’t enjoy parks, you know I do love nature, but that’d be a bit anti-climatic, don’t you think?”

 _Our first date._ Oh. So there it was, a definite confirmation that finally made his thoughts stop and his mind settle.

“I wouldn’t mind going to a park,” Isak shrugged his shoulders, secretly giddy to know Even put some thought into _their first date_. “And yeah, I think my card has some money on it. Are we going far?”

“Fishing for information much?” Even’s eyebrows moved in a funny way. Isak supposed it was meant to be a bit challenging so he tried not to laugh.

“Me? Not at all.”

They ended up going to the Tusenfryd amusement park. It was definitely not what Isak had expected. Also, Even had obviously planned this more carefully than what a regular park date would require. Isak was both surprised and impressed. Possibly also flattered.

“You’re not scared of heights, are you?” Even asked as they entered the amusement park.

“Me? Never!” Isak huffed. “I’m the master of heights, obviously.”

“Obviously,” Even smiled even wider than before, if possible.

“Let’s go on that one,” Isak pointed towards what seemed like the highest ride in the park. Even just looked at him as if asking, “are you sure?”.

“Alright,” Even replied. “Let’s go.” And he grabbed Isak’s hand. So yes, apparently it was possible for Isak to melt more.

Isak ended up screaming his lungs out on the ride. But it was okay because Even was screaming along with him. They also couldn’t stop looking at each other, grinning happily.

As the exited the ride, they were both giddy with adrenaline.

“Oh my gosh! Wow, that was… Wow!”

Isak laughed at Even’s inability to form proper sentences.

“Yeah, it definitely was,” he couldn’t help but agree though.

“Want to get some ice cream?” Even asked. Isak just nodded so Even put his arm around Isak’s shoulders, guiding him towards the food stalls. They both tried but failed to conceal their pleased smiles.

“You don’t mind that I called it a date earlier, do you?” Even asked softly as they were lying on the grass on the outskirts of the park.

“I hoped it would be a date,” Isak decided to be brave and just admit it. Even’s eyes immediately crinkled as he smiled happily.

“I’m glad,” he said.

“Me too,” Isak replied.

Even raised his hand and touched Isak’s hair, starting to slowly brush his fingers through the curls. Isak closed his eyes at the slightly familiar touch. He couldn’t help but think of the last time it happened, on the roof of the physiotherapy center, when he had been feeling so distraught and uncertain of everything. He loved how much calmer he was feeling now.

“Do you want to go on the carousel?” Isak asked, wanting to hold on to the peacefulness for a bit longer.

“Yeah, let’s do that.”

Since the seats were individual, they made sure to at least take the ones close to each other. Isak watched Even relax in his seat as the ride started. He was suddenly overcome with gratitude, however cliché it seemed. Gratitude for this moment, for Even choosing to spend time with him, for getting to have this. Isak closed his eyes and enjoyed the ride.

Even decided to walk him home, of course. They took a bus back, then hopped onto a tram in the direction of Isak’s flat share. They chatted a lot on their way there, both feeling more and more comfortable with each other, especially after the day they had spent together.

“How’s your leg after today?” Even asked. “I hope it wasn’t too much walking?”

“Nah, it’s fine. I’ve been keeping up with my exercises at home so I think it’s going well.”

“That’s great,” Even beamed at him. “Kari says you’re recovering really well, too.”

“You’ve been keeping track of my recovery?” Isak asked as they were exiting the tram and pointed towards the left, in the direction of his apartment.

Even had the courtesy to at least blush a bit. “Well, I just wanted to make sure she assigned the right exercises, you know?”

Isak smiled fondly at that. “She’s a physio too, you know?”

Even huffed a bit and ran his fingers through his hair. “Of course, I know. And I’m not saying I doubt her knowledge or skills, it’s just… I care that you get better, okay?”

And how could Isak possibly be mad at that? Instead, he blushed a bit. Soon, they finally reached Isak’s apartment.

“So… do I get a goodnight kiss?” Isak asked, suddenly feeling bold.

“Oh, I was definitely planning on that. It wouldn’t be a proper date if we didn’t end it with a kiss, would it?” Even’s face was kind as he looked at Isak fondly.

“Well, what are you waiting for, then?” Isak asked, his breathing already labored.

Finally, Even stepped closer and pushed Isak against the building wall, firmly but softly. Isak felt like constantly melting around Even might become his thing. Even’s scent surrounded him and then his lips touched Isak’s. There were no sparks or explosions in his head; instead, he felt the peacefulness from earlier again. Being here, in Even’s arms, their bodies close and mouths even closer, clinging together - it just felt right. Isak had never suspected he would feel this way - not ridiculously in love or maybe in lust, but safe, comfortable, and filled with knowledge that he’s in the right place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note, I'm not an Oslo-native or a Norwegian, I actually haven't been to Oslo at all, so everything that's mentioned in this chapter is based on research only. If there are any mistakes when it comes to names of places, please do let me know :)


	2. Chapter 2

Isak felt almost embarrassed to admit, even to himself, how often he thought of Even. He became the most exciting part of his life which was amazing but also very, very scary. It’s been actual _years_ since he had last been in a relationship and as much as he craved it - the touches, the feelings, the company of another person - he was also terrified of everything else that it entailed. It felt very serious, to start… something at a certain age. He wasn’t in high school anymore, it was no longer just games and fun. He felt like he had to be more serious and have actual purpose in life now, which also carried over to any romantic relationships. Also, Isak wasn’t a person who just casually fell into and out of love. He still wasn’t certain if he even believed in the concept - of belonging to another person, being together forever.

Well, alright, maybe his idea of love was a bit cliché and naive. But he honestly didn’t know any great love stories, whether in his own family or friends’ group, and he definitely didn’t experience that himself. Sure, he had been in a few relationships. He didn’t count those with girls - before he came out - as they were as fake as he had been back then. Instead, he thought of the few guys he had been with. His longest relationship lasted a bit over half a year. And wasn’t it alarming in itself that he immediately focused on the duration of the relationship rather than what it had brought to and changed in his life? How was he supposed to manage to stay with someone for good if he kept waiting for something to go wrong, for them to break up?

Not that he was thinking of something going wrong when it came to being with Even. _Not yet_ , something inside his traitorous brain whispered. After all, were they even really _together_? Were they exclusive?

He couldn’t help but think that Even would get annoyed or bored with him soon. He wasn’t a very interesting person. He had absolutely no direction when it came to his future and he was only a couple of years younger than Even, who was an successful physiotherapist, happy with his job. So it made sense to Isak that Even would soon grow tired of his bullshit excuses and, instead, find someone worthy of his time and attention, who knew what he wanted to do, who had passions and hobbies. Someone better than Isak.

He just didn’t understand how people did it all the time. Everywhere around him, there were couples, people in relationships. It was easy to think that everything was uncomplicated when it came to others’ lives because, of course, the grass was always greener on the other side. Still, he didn’t understand how relationships _lasted_. Weren’t other people scared? Isak was terrified. Terrified of doing the wrong things, not showing the other person that he cared enough - basically, fucking up.

So far, they had met up a few times and had lots of fun together, never running out of conversation topics, Isak’s mood always lifting after spending time with Even. He wondered, though, whether he could actually call this dating. Should he just straight-up ask Even?

Even, who was waiting for him outside of his office building.

“How was work today?” Even asked as he got closer. He knew it wasn’t Isak’s favorite question but he still brought up the topic once in a while and, depending on Isak’s reaction on a given day, went with it or, sometimes, accepted his silence as an answer.

“Not too bad. We had a pretty interesting training on a new software,” Isak answered.

Even made a ‘I’m interested, keep going’ sort of noise at him as he bit into an apple.

“We’re going to be using it to work on an upcoming project,” Isak added.

“What is it going to be about?” Even asked after he swallowed a bite.

Isak looked at him shyly. “Do you really want to know? I mean, it’s probably boring…”

“I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to actually know,” Even replied and smiled at him. “And I doubt anything you say to me could bore me.”

 _Wanna bet?_ Isak dismissed his self-sabotaging thoughts and proceeded to describe the new health app they would be developing soon.

“So I know it might sound like any other app that’s already out there,” he said as he finished describing the general idea of it to Even, “but it’s really not. It helps you track whether you’ve taken your meds or supplements, right? But also how you’re feeling every day, your general mood but also any symptoms. And since at the beginning you should put in any disease or chronic illness you’ve been diagnosed with, it actually makes the connection between any symptoms you might be struggling with and helps you figure out if it’s due to your illness, so maybe your meds need adjusting, or maybe you just haven’t been taking some of your supplements and they might be responsible for the mood change, you know? And it’s actually based on proper research and it’s going to be verified by doctors!”

Isak knew he tended to ramble as he got into an interesting topic. As he saw Even’s smile grow, he realized he had been talking non-stop, without even taking a breath in between his rushed sentences.

“Sorry,” Isak said quickly, “I told you it’d probably be boring.”

“Are you kidding me?” Even asked, his smile still just as wide. “That sounds really great, Isak.” And he actually sounded genuinely interested, too.

“Really?” Isak asked hopefully.

“Really! I think it would honestly be a great tool for a lot of people who struggle with understanding where their symptoms stem from. It could actually also help you realize that something’s wrong, you know? You would notice it yourself so it’d seem more credible than when it comes from a worried friend,” Even said the last part rather wryly.

Then Isak had an aha moment. Even was bipolar. And Isak was an absolute idiot. He immediately regretted bringing up his project. After all, he didn’t really know Even’s attitude towards his illness. And here was Isak, blabbing away about a topic he knew nothing about - or well, maybe not quite nothing but definitely less than Even.

“I’m sorry,” Isak had to say. “I didn’t mean to bring your illness into this so… casually. I just realized it made me sound so insensitive.”

“Isak,” Even stopped him, his voice kind as always but his expression more serious than usually. “It’s fine. We can talk about my illness. Or any other illness. Or mental health in general. Actually, it’s important we _do_ talk about it, you know?”

Isak figured he should at least nod at that. So he did.

“I haven’t always had this attitude about my bipolar,” Even laughed sadly. “But I learned to accept it. It’s a part of me,” he shrugged his shoulders, as if trying to show that it didn’t really bother him. “Of course, it’s not always easy to be accepting of it. Sometimes I still go back and forth with it. But I think it’s important that this part of me, like any other part of me, is open for you, okay? So, if you want, you can ask me questions. I’m not exactly an open book,” cue in Even's sad, soft laughter again, “but I’m willing to talk about almost anything with you, if that’s something you want.”

Isak just stared at Even, dumbfounded at his frankness and the lack of tension or strain in his voice. Isak couldn’t imagine talking about something that actually mattered to him, that affected his daily life, that had potentially disastrous consequences (in the worst-case scenario) in the middle of a freaking _park_ , in broad daylight, totally unprompted and so ridiculously _calm_.

“That’s really brave of you,” Isak said without thinking but apparently that’s what he was actually feeling.

Even smiled at him and brushed his hand against Isak’s. “It’s just a better attitude to have than denial or repressing what you’re feeling and thinking. And believe me when I say it because I found that out from experience,” he said, laughing softly, this time not at all in a sad way.

And what he had just said really hit home for Isak. Was that what he had been doing all this time? Was he in denial about some things? Was he repressing anything? Sure, his life was far from ideal at the moment, there were many things he wished he could change but didn’t have the motivation to - or any idea what he should actually be doing. But he was… aware of it. Not doing anything to change it, but awareness was also important, right?

It honestly just made him feel more awful. And it certainly didn’t help his confidence, but rather made him doubt himself even more now. Here was Even, battling a not-so-little mental illness every day, with a positive outlook on life, sure as hell not giving up, oh and definitely not ashamed of it, not trying to hide his illness. Even was owning it; his problems but also his choices and the decision to take care of himself, even if it meant laying himself bare in front of others. And Isak… he was just the most average person you could imagine. How could Even really want to be with him? His life so far amounted to nothing, he aspired to accomplish nothing in particular.

Even noticed Isak had been lost in his thoughts for a while now and nudged him in the side with his pinky.

“Was that too much?” Even asked. “Me sharing all of that with you? It’s completely okay if it was, I didn’t want to burden you with so much personal stuff.”

Even sounded truly worried and sad, and it broke Isak’s heart a little. Even had just shared something that truly mattered to him and now he was the one apologizing to Isak when, actually, it was Isak who should have reacted better.

“No, I’m sorry, it’s nothing like that, really.” Isak took a deep breath before he continued. “I just can’t imagine sharing something so personal about myself. That’s why I think you’re really brave to want to and… to be able to. It’s really not easy to do that.”

“Hey,” Even said softly and full-on grabbed Isak’s hand in his. Isak was too shocked to say anything. “You know I didn’t mean to make you feel pressured to share anything about yourself, right? Especially something you don’t want to share. I just… I want you to know you can ask me things but you can talk to me about yourself, too. If you ever want to.”

Even’s smile was genuine and kind, and so comforting. Isak couldn’t really speak because of the lump in his throat so he nodded and squeezed Even’s hand instead. They walked hand in hand all the way to the apartment.

As they reached Even’s place, he opened the door to his apartment and let Isak inside. First they hung their jackets next to the entrance and took off their shoes, then Isak followed Even into the kitchen. On the way there, he noticed three sets of doors, one of which had to be leading to Even’s room, since it was open.

“Do you live here by yourself?” Isak asked. It was his first time in the apartment.

“Nah, I have two roommates, they’re on a camping trip,” Even said, looking at him with an expression Isak couldn’t quite place.

As Isak felt the tension grow, he took out the beers that he had bought before and had almost forgotten about.

“I got us something to drink, I wasn’t sure if you’re more of a wine person…” Isak started to say.

“Beer is great, thanks, Isak,” Even smiled at him and took the offered beers, putting some of them into the fridge for later, and opening the remaining two. “Cheers!”

“Cheers,” Isak clinked his bottle against Even’s. He took a sip and then cleared his throat. Why was he still nervous? “What are you making?”

“Thai curry,” Even beamed at him.

Huh, that was actually his favorite.

“How did you know I liked it?” Isak asked.

“Oh, I stalked you a bit on Instagram and then contacted your friends just to make sure,” Even replied, still smiling.

Isak suddenly felt cold all over. “My friends?”

Even’s laughter put him at ease a little. “Relax, I was just kidding,” Even looked at him reassuringly. “How would I even know who to message, right?”

“Right,” Isak repeated dumbly.

“You mentioned once that you liked Thai food. So I just figured it might be curry.”

“Oh,” Isak instantly felt relieved. “Well, what if it was pad thai, actually?”

Even laughed loudly. “I think I have all the ingredients to make that, too, so I’d figure something out.”

“Wow, you’re so extra,” Isak was laughing now, too.

“Anything for you, baby,” Even cooed in an overly sweet voice.

“Oh gosh, and so cheesy, how did I ever fall for that,” Isak hid his face in his hands. He more felt than saw Even approach him.

“I’m really glad you did,” Even said, his tone still playful but also genuine.

Then Isak felt Even’s breath near his mouth. He looked up. They just held each other’s gaze, breathing heavily.

“Mmm… I’m glad I did, too.”

They continued looking at each other and breathing right next to each other’s faces, Even’s moving closer and closer until their lips touched. Isak sighed deeply, glad that it was finally happening again. He had honestly missed the feel of Even’s lips on his. So soft and so gentle, yet so passionate, almost greedy in how they were practically devouring his own. And Even’s hands in his hair felt too good to be true.

When they parted, they leaned their foreheads against one another. Even’s eyes were practically sparkling. He kissed Isak again, that time on his forehead (Isak melted almost instantly at that, of course), and moved away slightly.

“So, can you cook?” Even asked teasingly.

“Of course!” Isak immediately replied, trying not to pout at the sudden change of mood from charged to playful, and let it go.

“Let me guess, you’re the master of cooking?” Even laughed that bright, boisterous laugh of his.

Isak just huffed at that but also smiled. How could he not, when Even was being so endearing and… hot.

“Alright, master chef, you can help me by chopping those carrots and onions over there,” Even pointed towards the basket of vegetables lying on the counter.

Isak did pout a bit at that but moved to reach for the chopping board, making Even laugh again, which - of course - put a small smile on Isak’s face.

They ended up eating dinner on Even’s bed because he had a movie projector in his bedroom. Isak tried to hide his smirk at how quickly they ended up in Even’s bed; he didn’t think Even would appreciate his mind which was constantly in the gutter.

Sitting close to each other, their arms and thighs touching, Isak was almost tempted to actually do something, to act on his instinct, to reach out and touch. Still, he wasn’t sure whether he and Even were on the same page. After all, Even obviously had put effort into actually getting to know each other. He honestly seemed to enjoy spending time together. Maybe Even just wasn’t attracted to him?

 _But he kissed you_ , Isak’s mind reminded him and his thoughts immediately went to the memories of their kisses, which were without a doubt enjoyed by both of them. Which just left him feeling confused at why Even didn’t want to go further, why he wasn’t making a clear move.

In a truly Isak fashion, he decided to test Even’s response. He put his hand on Even’s thigh, noticing no reaction at first. Then he moved it up, slowly, feeling Even’s leg tense slightly under his palm. His smiled a bit on the inside and moved his hand further up.

“Isak,” Even said in a quiet but tense voice.

“Yeah?” Isak said back, acting all innocent, while moving his hand up and down Even’s thigh more and more boldly.

“You’re making things very difficult for me,” Even replied but didn’t make Isak move his hand away.

Isak counted that as a small victory. That and the fact that Even was growing hard under his palm, which he considered a _bigger_ victory. He chuckled a bit at his own joke.

He decided to be even bolder and moved his hand to rest right on top of Even’s growing erection, and gripped it lightly. Even gasped quietly. Isak then felt Even’s hands start to roam all over his body; first, he touched his arms and back, then moved one hand down the small of Isak’s back while the other gripped his head, bringing him closer to Even. Their lips met again and Isak couldn’t be more content in that moment.

Even deepened the kiss and flipped them over, so that he was towering over Isak, who immediately groaned at the feeling of Even’s body pressing his own into the mattress.

“Isak,” Even said quietly, his breath heavy next to Isak’s ear, “you’d tell me if I was going too fast, right?”

“What?” Isak asked, completely surprised at the question and still dazed from the kisses. “What do you mean too fast?”

_I feel like we’re going at a snail’s pace._

“Well, I was trying to be cautious with you. I know you don’t mind us kissing but I’m not sure how much further you want us to go? What’s alright and what’s too much?”

Even sounded so genuinely worried but Isak was still mostly surprised. Had he given him any indication that he _didn’t_ want to have sex, when he had been thinking about it almost constantly?

“I don’t get it,” Isak admitted. “I thought it was you who didn’t want to go any further, so I tried to respect that and not make any moves on you.”

Even frowned at that and leaned further back, resting on his elbows.

“So you don’t… It’s alright with you if we do more than just kiss?” Even asked cautiously.

“Yes!” Isak said loudly, almost shouting, half exasperated and half wanting to just get his message across.

“Oh.” This time it was Even who sounded genuinely surprised.

“Why wouldn’t I be okay with more?” Isak asked, dumbfounded.

“You said something once. Something that stuck with me,” Even said carefully, now barely looking at Isak.

“What did I say?”

Did Isak even want to know?

“You said ‘thank you for stopping’ when I was helping you with your exercises once, remember that?”

“Yeah, I guess? I mean, I remember that moment but not the exact words I said. Why does it even matter?”

“Well, I thought…” Even started to say but stopped, seeming uncertain of whether he should continue.

“Wait, you thought that… that someone… hurt me?”

Even’s expression said it all.

“Even, have you been thinking that all this time?”

“Well, what was I supposed to think when you said that? All this time you’ve been so careful when it came to sharing things about yourself, about your feelings, about… us. I couldn’t help but make the connection. And also when you talked a bit about the accidentthat one time, it sounded like there was more to it, you know?”

It struck Isak that apparently he seemed even more damaged than he actually was. Somehow that thought was both hilarious and depressing to him.

“Baby,” Isak said, even though normally he wouldn’t feel comfortable with using such a nickname, which was maybe exactly why he decided to say it anyway, because Even seemed distraught. “I’m fine. Nothing happened to me, I swear.”

Even didn’t look like he believed him.

“I mean, obviously I have… stuff I need to deal with. My thoughts get really dark sometimes. I told you some of this, a bit,” Isak said. He probably looked uncertain and fragile because Even gathered him closer into his arms. “Maybe I still don’t realize some of my problems but I’m not keeping anything specific from you, not on purpose at least.”

And Isak really hoped it was true. Deep down, he didn’t know if he should believe it or if maybe he just convinced himself that his problems were shallow and there wasn’t much more to them than he already knew. The problem was, he wasn’t sure he was strong enough or ready to find out.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: mentions of depression, mental illness
> 
> Again, everything I write is only based on my personal experiences, backed up by some research, of course, and absolutely all experiences are valid and unique.
> 
> Anyway, hope you enjoy the chapter!

Isak almost growled at his computer, sitting at his desk at work. Because today, work was really mostly terrible and exhausting. Isak had the shittiest day so far. He was drinking his third coffee and it was barely noon, he was stressed out of his mind by the amount of deadlines that seemed to have appeared out of nowhere, and he was definitely beginning to develop a headache. He honestly felt like he was in high school again, with the amount of stress and misery he was experiencing every day.

The thought of seeing Even soon made the following hours slightly more bearable. But it also stressed him out a bit; he couldn’t shake the uncomfortable feeling that his last serious talk with Even had left him with.

It still felt strange for Isak to think of Even as his boyfriend. They had actually talked about that and agreed they were indeed exclusive. Even seemed surprised that Isak doubted that even for a second. So far, they had gone on a few dates and, other than that, just spent a lot of time together. Sometimes, Isak would visit Even at the physio center, pick him up after work and they’d go for a short walk through the city, grabbing coffee or food on the way. Then, mostly, they’d go to Even’s apartment.

So they’ve been dating for a few weeks now and the concept that Even was _his_ still seemed foreign to him. Not _his_ in the sense of possession but _his_ as in the first person he wanted to talk to after waking up, the person he wanted to tell about all the details of his day, the person he was constantly thinking of.

He didn’t want to become someone whose entire life revolved around his boyfriend. (He definitely squirmed a little at the thought of calling Even his _boyfriend_. In a good way.) But what he didn’t want even more, was to rely on Even to help him fix his problems. Which was why he needed to get himself together and figure out how to get over the weird thoughts and feelings that plagued him more and more, recently.

Tonight’s party should definitely help with that. Mahdi invited him, Jonas and Magnus to his coworker’s housewarming party. Isak had only met her once in a bar but who was he to refuse an invite.

He was really looking forward to unwinding and literally drinking away his worries. He knew it wasn’t really a responsible way to deal with stress, which Jonas always reminded him of, but at this point he couldn’t be bothered to pick his thoughts apart or talk about his problems. He almost winced at the idea.

Talking only caused more stress, in his experience. It rarely resolved anything and mostly left him even more confused and distraught, feeling like a complete failure. So tonight, he would drink and have fun.

Before that, right after work, he was supposed to meet Even for a quick dinner at a place of Even’s choice ( _“If you love Thai food, Isak, we really have to go to this one restaurant in Grünerløkka. They have the best Thai food in Oslo, I swear!”_ ).

“So, do you love it or do you love it?” Even asked cheekily, before taking a bite of his pad thai.

Isak only rolled his eyes at him.

“It’s alright.”

“Alright?! Just alright? No way, this food needs more appreciation than that!”

“Okay, it’s good!” Isak replied, a small smile sneaking its way to his face.

“Good?! Isak, you can do better than that!”

Isak full on laughed. “Alright, I admit, it’s one of the best curries I’ve ever had.”

Even raised his fist in the air in an exaggerated motion. “Yes!”

After dinner, they walked together along Tøyenparken in the general direction of their respective apartments.

“What do you have planned for tonight?” Isak asked.

He wasn’t sure if he should invite Even to join the party as well. He didn’t know if he actually wanted to. He had imagined he would spend tonight with his friends who were used to him getting stupid drunk. He really needed to relax and chill out a bit, and having Even there would only make him incredibly self-aware. So Isak decided to skip the invite this time.

“We’re having a Wes Anderson movie marathon with Mikael,” Even replied.

Hearing that, Isak felt a brief pang of something he couldn’t quite name. Suddenly, he was sure that if he were to join them, Mikael would most probably retreat to his own room rather than spend any time with Isak.

“Sounds nice,” he commented lamely.

They stopped at a street corner, where Isak had to turn right to reach his apartment and Even was going left towards his place, through the park.

“Enjoy the party,” Even said sweetly and bent down to kiss Isak on the lips.

It left Isak wanting to pin Even against the nearest wall, deepen the kiss and completely forget about the party, or drag Even along with him. Instead, he took a deep breath as they parted and pecked Even on the mouth one more time.

“Thanks. Have fun with Mikael tonight,” he tried his best not too sound jealous or annoyed. Which he wasn’t, of course.

Soon, each of them went in their own direction, and Isak tried to focus on the party he was going to tonight, and to remember why he was excited for it in the first place.

After the first beer and a couple of vodka shots, it all went downhill pretty quickly. Next thing he knew, he was mixing completely random drinks in the kitchen, his head buzzing pleasantly.

“Isak, bro, don’t you think you’ve had enough?” Jonas asked, eyeing Isak who was attempting to pour coke into a glass but kept missing the glass slightly.

Isak giggled.

“Nah, man, I’m feeling great.”

“Yeah, I bet you are. But you’ll be hungover as fuck tomorrow, if you keep going at this pace.”

Isak ignored him and went on, “I don’t care. I haven’t felt this good in a long time. There’s just always so much… stress.”

“Stress? Is it— your mom?” Jonas asked carefully.

He knew bits and pieces of Isak’s family history and also his mom’s illness, and how it used to stress him out, the worst of it being in high school.

“No, it’s not her. It’s everything else!” Isak chuckled but with no humor in his voice. He downed the drink he had just made for himself and left the kitchen, Jonas looking after his retreating figure worryingly.

“I want Even,” Isak moaned, still clutching the toilet bowl after throwing up for the past fifteen minutes.

Jonas was sitting next to him, on the edge of the bathtub.

“Is that someone from work? Should I call him?” Jonas asked.

“No!” Isak almost shouted, then winced as the loud sound hurt his head. “I’m too messed up for him to really want me, Jonas,” he moaned again, putting his head against the cold tiles.

Jonas frowned at his words but also somewhat got an idea what this could be about.

“What do you mean?” he still decided to ask.

“He’s so wonderful,” Isak said. “Even. He’s so caring and patient, and open, and kind, and caring— wait, did I already say that? Nevermind. And I’m— I’m such a mess. I don’t deserve him.”

“I’m sure that’s not true, Iss. No one’s perfect,” Jonas replied.

“You’re kind, too,” Isak said, looking up at him. “Even’s not just my friend.”

“Oh yeah?” Jonas asked, a small smile on his face.

“Yeah. He’s my boy—“ Isak hiccoughed, “boyfriend.”

“I figured,” Jonas chuckled.

“Are you still going to be friends with me?” Isak asked and his uncertain tone made Jonas’ heart clench painfully.

“Of course, why would you having a boyfriend change anything in our friendship?”

“We never talked about… this,” Isak gestured vaguely to himself and Jonas.

That was very true; Isak had never openly told him about dating another guy. Jonas knew he wasn’t seeing any girls, since he never talked about it, and there were a few guys, who he had sometimes met, but who seemed to disappear from Isak’s life as suddenly as they appeared in it. So Jonas figured what that might have meant and also that Isak simply wasn’t ready to tell him or the boys about himself.

“This doesn’t change anything, Isak. I don’t care who you’re dating, as long as they treat you right,” Jonas said reassuringly.

“You’re a good friend, Jonas,” Isak muttered and bent over the toilet bowl once again.

Predictably, Isak woke up with a terrible hangover, his mouth dry as a dessert, his head pounding. He considered getting up to get some water but he knew he’d get hit with nausea as soon as he sat up straight.

And so, lying in bed, Isak’s memories of the previous night slowly came back, which in itself was enough to make him groan. He remembered talking to Jonas about Even, which he felt mortified about now. Still, he was glad at his friend’s reaction. Isak had always known he could count on Jonas, that he wouldn’t ridicule him or think any less of him for any reason.

Even, on the other hand… Isak didn’t know what to think about the two of them now. His feelings, which resurfaced last night, were something that he had been obviously suppressing for a while now. He still didn’t feel any more ready to confront them, though.

Isak checked his phone. It was 11:24. _Great._ At least it was only Saturday, so he still had all of Sunday to actually make use of his weekend. There was also a message waiting for him.

Even:

_How was last night, party boy? *GIF of a guy gulping beer*_

It made Isak smile, even though it also hurt his head a bit. He looked for a GIF to send as a reply, found one of a hungover person rolling on the floor in pain, and hit send.

Even:

_Ouch. Want me to bring you some food?_

Isak blinked at that, a bit surprised. Even was very thoughtful and caring so it shouldn’t shock Isak that he had offered to come over with food. Was he just being nice? Or did he actually mean it?

Isak was feeling pretty terrible so he briefly contemplated the logistics, like the likelihood of Even bumping into one of his flatmates. But Eskild still hasn’t come home after going out last night and Lin was probably still asleep in her room. So Isak guessed it was safe.

Isak:

_I never refuse free food._

That’s how Isak ended up waiting for Even to arrive, getting more and more anxious by the minute. His thoughts from the previous night wouldn’t leave his head, his brain practically spinning.

Isak knew he wasn’t great at communicating, which everyone always emphasized as crucial in any successful relationship. Sometimes he couldn’t put his thoughts into words that would make sense to himself, much less to another person. And how was he even supposed to share what’s on his mind when it was always such a mess - a jumble of thoughts and too many emotions - without scaring someone off? How do you explain a feeling of overwhelming fear at the mere thought of baring his soul to that person?

He wasn’t sure what was lying under the surface of his worries and he didn’t know if he could handle finding that out - or sharing it with Even.

The sound of the doorbell brought him out of his head. He got up heavily and staggered towards the door, buzzing Even in. He leaned against the wall, opening the front door a bit. Soon, he saw Even’s hair, all soft and gorgeous, and then the rest of his lanky figure as he made his way up the stairs.

“Hi,” Even said and kissed Isak on the forehead.

“Hey,” he said weakly, his voice sounding scratchy and unused. It was in fact the first time he spoke today.

Even walked inside and closed the door behind him.

“Aw, my poor baby,” he brought Isak into a one-armed hug as he toed off his shoes at the same time.

Isak hated being treated like a baby by anyone but in the case of Even, he decided to make an exception. It made him feel… cared for and he didn’t experience that very often.

“I brought you a veggie pho from the Vietnamese place next to my apartment. Remember the one we always walk past?” Even asked.

They walked into the kitchen and Even grabbed a bowl and a spoon. Then he poured the soup and the noodles from the take-away container into the bowl and put it in front of Isak, who slowly sat down at the other side of the table.

“Eat, you’ll feel better,” Even said and caressed his cheek.

Isak really didn’t mind the hangover as much with Even around. So he ate his soup.

Even had finished telling Isak about an article he had been reading that morning, just as Isak was about to be done eating.

“Should we go to your room?” Even asked and Isak just nodded in response.

As they shuffled towards his bedroom, Isak remembered something.

“It’s like… pitch black in there, though. Do you mind? The light makes my head hurt,” Isak explained as they entered his room which was indeed all dark.

He was quite pleased with the blackout curtains he had picked out.

“Don’t worry, it’s fine,” Even said in reply and sat on Isak’d bed, leaning against the wall, and patted the empty spot next to him.

Isak moved to lie against Even’s side, his head resting on Even’s chest.

“Mmm, this is nice. Sorry about the dark though,” Isak somehow felt the need to apologize again.

“I don’t mind. I get what it’s like to need to just lie in the dark,” Even responded, stroking Isak’s hair.

Isak just hummed in response. A short moment later, Even’s words got him thinking.

“Do you mean when… when you’re depressed?” Isak asked softly.

“Yeah,” Even continued stroking his curls.

“Oh.”

“Don’t worry about it, I’m okay now,” Even reassured him.

But Isak remembered Even disappearing and how terrible it had felt to be left alone. He realized that other people also felt like this - too messy, too afraid to really let someone in - which was probably why Even had stayed away during his depressive episode.

Somehow, Isak didn’t think other people were as messed up as him though. Was that self-centered?

Of course, he didn’t really know that for sure but he thought that most people didn’t actually deal with an intense inner monologue all the time. A voice in their heads criticizing and belittling them at every possible chance, telling them they wouldn’t amount to anything, laughing if they ever dared to hope for something good, killing off every hope and dream, making them believe they weren’t good enough, that they didn’t deserve what they wanted.

Was that how Even felt when he was down? But Even… He was so incredibly open and willing to talk about really difficult topics, while Isak just couldn’t. No matter how hard he might try, there was a thick wall inside his mind that didn’t even let him go near certain thoughts.

Isak couldn’t imagine Even going through similar negative scenarios in his head, probably feeling incredibly lonely, and then just bouncing back later. He seemed so full of joy and energy all the time; Isak couldn’t picture Even feeling low.

And so he couldn’t help but cling to Even more, hold him a bit tighter, as if to guard him from all of the world’s sadness.

_Decreased energy. Fatigue._

_Persistent sadness, anxiousness. Feeling “empty”._

_Difficulty concentrating._

_Feelings of worthlessness, guilt, hopelessness._

_Loss of interest in hobbies._

_Decreased appetite._

_Headaches, digestive problems._

_Insomnia or oversleeping._

_Thoughts of death and/of suicide. Suicide attempts._

Isak swallowed heavily at the last sentence. Despite his persistent headache, after Even had left, he couldn’t stop himself from researching how Even might feel during his depressive episodes. So he googled _depression symptoms in bipolar disorder_ and was confronted with all of… this.

It was honestly overwhelming. Did Even actually feel all of those at once? How did he manage to ever get back from that?

Isak also couldn’t shake the nagging feeling that all of these symptoms were somehow familiar.

At the end of the article, there was a link to _Chronic depression_. Almost involuntarily, Isak clicked on it, holding his breath.

**_Dysthymia_** \- read the title of the article. **_A mild but chronic form of depression, less severe than major depression._**

Isak continued reading.

_…symptoms can last for a long period of time, often two years or longer…_

_…less severe than major depression, has fewer symptoms…_

_…may be caused by major life stressors, relationship or work problems…_

_…family history of depression may play a role…_

As Isak read on, the symptoms of dysthymia seemed more or less the same as those of manic depression. He got a bit anxious at the thought, almost out of nowhere.

_Do you think you might be suffering from depression? Call the number below to get help._

He scrolled further down, his breathing getting more labored with each word.

**_How can dysthymia be treated?_ **

_While dysthymia is a serious illness, it’s also very treatable. Doctors recommend psychotherapy, medications such as antidepressants, or a combination of both._

Isak closed his laptop. He only managed to calm down his breathing after a few long moments.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello hello!  
> Here's a new chapter, sooner than I expected, but it felt SO GOOD to be writing lately.
> 
> Also, please take note of new tags to avoid potential triggers.
> 
> And, as always, enjoy!

The next time they saw each other, Isak tried not to act any differently. It was hard to pretend he hadn’t read all this information about Even’s illness, details on depressive episodes, signs of slipping into an episode, medication, therapy, routines. He felt as if he was keeping something from Even, like he had betrayed him somehow, by going behind his back to read up on his illness instead of asking him directly.

But he wasn’t sure that he _could_ ask the questions he wanted to get answers to in a way that wouldn’t be intrusive or insensitive. So he chose to do research, which was what he did best.

It was honestly so intriguing and fascinating to learn more about how a person’s brain worked, even if many details about plenty of illnesses were still unknown. Isak had always enjoyed asking _why_ and _how_ certain things worked, and read a lot on biology and neurology. But it was especially interesting to find out what made people the way they were, what shaped them, what might have gone wrong and caused some impairments or difficulties. Describing that and drawing conclusions to be able to help more people was truly something Isak was fascinated by.

But he was stuck in his IT job, which was challenging at times and had some perks, sure. Still, it wasn’t even remotely as interesting as a neuroscience-related research job would probably be. He needed to stop daydreaming though, it only caused the ever-present feelings of worthlessness to flare up in him.

“You’re quiet today,” Even bumped his shoulder into Isak’s and gave him a small but kind smile. _Even, always kind._

“Ah, yeah, sorry,” Isak said in reply. “Just got a lot on my mind.”

“Yeah? I can listen, you know.”

Oh, he did know. It seemed that all that Even did was listen to Isak whine and complain. Even if Isak had only shared bits and pieces of his life with Even, it still felt like too much to burden him with.

“It’s not important,” Isak shrugged, giving Even a small smile.

“See, this is where I disagree,” Even said with absolute certainty. “You’re important to me so anything you might be thinking is also important, okay? You don’t have to agree, just accept it,” he added with a pleased smile.

Isak just huffed at him, exasperated.

“Okay,” Isak mumbled shyly, definitely not used to someone being so supportive of him, so kind.

“Aw, my grumpy baby,” Even took him in his arms. “You can share anything with me.”

“Later, maybe,” Isak replied. “Now we’re going to this awesome photo exhibit which you _promised_ would blow me away. So I’m ready to be blown.”

Even giggled at that.

“Oh my gosh, you overgrown teenager!” Isak said but couldn’t help but laugh hysterically at his boyfriend’s ( _boyfriend! boyfriend!_ ) apparently very dirty mind.

Art exhibits were not really Isak’s… thing. But photography seemed much more approachable and easy to understand compared to abstract paintings or other artsy stuff.

The particular exhibit they were at was definitely… surprising, not what Isak had expected at all. He figured the photos would be pretentious and difficult to grasp; instead, their meaning was very much obvious and in your face. Isak appreciated that but, at the same time, it made him feel uncomfortable, to be confronted with such an unabashed display of raw emotions on the photos.

The exhibit showed stages of grief. It was created after the author’s older brother had died quite unexpectedly. So she decided to document her emotions as she went through each of the stages.

Isak thought it was incredibly brave of her. If he felt uncomfortable when looking at her photos, he couldn’t imagine what it must have felt like to create them.

“What do you think?” Even asked quietly.

“It’s… a lot,” he tried to finally be more honest.

“It is, isn’t it,” Even hummed in agreement. “It’s good, though, don’t you think? To remind yourself that other people feel a lot of pain at times, too.”

And wow, Even sounded like he had definitely thought about this before.

While Isak hasn’t experienced any family members, close relatives or friends actually passing away, he had definitely experienced loss.

His mother, while physically present and living in a clinic on the outskirts of Oslo, had been mentally absent for a large chunk of Isak’s life. In his teenage years, when he had needed her the most, even if he hadn’t realized it at that time, but also as he had entered adulthood. She wasn’t there to experience him grow up, develop new skills and hobbies, get new friends.

Isak’s father was no better, choosing to focus on his new family instead.

It didn’t feel like a big deal at the time, it was something he had gotten used to, especially since he didn’t know any better and had not experienced a very happy family life. But recently, he was beginning to realize how much of an impact it must have had on him.

In the end, Isak just felt so damaged and so deeply sad, all the time. He couldn’t imagine that ever getting any better.

“I— I need to go,” Isak said out of nowhere.

“What? But we only just came here,” Even replied, not hiding his confusion, trying to catch Isak’s gaze.

But Isak wasn’t sure if he could handle looking at him in that moment. Suddenly, he just felt too much of… everything.

So Isak rushed to where he remembered the exit being. White noise filled his brain, thoughts and feelings circling around in his mind, suddenly coming to the surface after being buried for a long time, all of it overwhelming, almost suffocating.

As he reached the doors, he immediately turned left, just to be able to lean against something. He felt like his legs might give out so Isak used the wall as support. He could hear his heavy breathing, his heart pounding in his chest, his palms sweating, and his head still buzzing.

Through all that, he still heard footsteps and vaguely noticed a pair of feet appearing in front of him.

“Isak?” he heard a voice ask tentatively.

It was Even. Of course it was him.

“Can I hold your hand?” he heard Even ask.

He didn’t confirm or deny the request, not feeling able to formulate a coherent sentence. But either way, soon he felt Even gather his sweaty and shaky palm in his own large hand.

Why was he shaking?

“Focus on the feeling of my hand,” Even said.

His touch didn’t feel intrusive, maybe even slightly grounding, so Isak decided to go with it. He felt Even’s callused fingers caress his own, smaller ones. It was a slow and repetitive motion of Even’s thumb stroking the inside of Isak’s palm.

“Now think about what you can hear around you.”

Suddenly Isak remembered that he was still breathing heavily. He could hear himself gasping for breath and, almost immediately, it got even harder to get in any air.

“Can you hear the birds, Isak? Chirping around us? Or the sound of the leaves moving because of the wind? Focus on that, Isak, come on.”

Now that Even had said it, Isak could indeed hear those sounds. He could make out one or maybe two distinct birds singing, as well as the leaves rustling.

“Good, that’s good, baby,” Even said as he continued stroking Isak’s palm. “Do you think you can open your eyes for me?”

When had he closed them?

He tried moving his eyelids and ended up blinking a lot, his vision blurry at first. Then he managed to make out the sidewalk, some grass in the distance, and also his own feet. He realized he was sitting on the sidewalk, leaning heavily against a wall. His hand was resting in Even’s, next to Isak’s knee.

“Can you look at me?” Even asked.

It didn’t feel like too much so Isak did. He looked up expecting to see Even’s face looking worried. Instead, his expression was kind and soft, and understanding.

Probably encouraged by Isak following his directions, Even moved his hand up to Isak’s face. He wiped his tears away.

Was he crying?

Isak raised his hand and yes, his cheeks were wet. _Huh._

Even’s hand moved on to stroke his curls, cradling his head gently. Isak closed his eyes again at the familiar touch. He noticed his breathing was slowing down, his head no longer spinning as much as before.

“Better now?”

Isak nodded, pushing his cheek even further into Even’s palm. Soon Even moved to embrace him fully, sitting next to him on the ground, holding Isak with his strong arms, the two of them breathing together steadily.

Even managed to get Isak into an Uber and, after he had figured out his address, they were on their way to Isak’s apartment. In the car, he kept Isak in a tight embrace, which seemed to be helping. When they reached the apartment building, Even coaxed Isak out of the car, and they walked towards the front door together.

“Where are your keys?” Even asked.

Isak started digging in his jeans’ pockets until he found the keys and gave them to Even. It broke Even’s heart to see him so exhausted but he knew he couldn’t let his emotions overwhelm him just yet, he needed to focus on Isak first.

He opened the doors and led them upstairs, Isak still holding onto him. He figured out the right key for the apartment door and it swung open. They went inside and Even helped Isak get his jacket off.

“Baby Jesus!” a voice shouted from inside the apartment.

Then a young, blond guy appeared in the hallway, his face slowly turning into one of surprise.

“Hello, gorgeous. And who might you be?” he asked in a definitely flirtatious tone.

“Uh, I’m Even, Isak’s— friend?” it sounded more like a question than an answer but hell, Even had no idea if Isak had told his roommates about them.

It was then that the guy noticed the state Isak was in.

“What happened?” he rushed to Isak’s side.

“I’m fine,” was the first thing that Isak said since Even had followed him outside the photo exhibit.

And of course it was a ‘I’m fine’. Isak always tried to pretend he was _fine_. Why didn’t he feel he could turn to his friends for support and help? Even felt overwhelmed at the thought and incredibly disappointed in himself for not noticing and doing anything earlier.

“Well, you certainly don’t seem fine,” the guy said in response, not even trying to pretend to humor Isak.

“Eskild, stop. Just need to lie down,” Isak mumbled.

“Alright, baby J. Let’s get you to bed,” said the guy, Eskild.

He then helped Isak get to what must have been his bedroom. Eskild disappeared for a second, then came back.

“Thank you for getting him home, Even.”

“Of course,” he replied.

“So what actually happened?” Eskild asked him again.

“Uh, I think it was a panic attack,” Even said uncertainly.

“Oh,” Eskild seemed more sad than surprised to hear that.

“Has he had them before?”

Even didn’t get an answer right away. It seemed like Eskild was assessing him, not sure if he should share that particular piece of information.

In the end, he apparently chose to trust him with this.

“I only know of one other time but I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened before.”

Hearing that made Even feel so incredibly sad for Isak.

“So he doesn’t tell you much either, then?” he asked.

Eskild only shook his head, confirming Even’s thoughts.

“I’m going to go check on him now and maybe stay with him for a bit,” Eskild told him. “But I’ll let you know how he feels later, alright?”

Almost immediately, Even felt relieved.

“That’d be great, thank you.”

They exchanged numbers and soon Even was on his way home. Only he couldn’t shake the feeling that a part of him must have stayed with Isak; otherwise, why would he feel so utterly empty?

There was a knock on Isak’s door.

“Yeah?”

Eskild’s head popped in.

“Hey, baby J,” he said. “Feeling better?”

Isak immediately rolled his eyes at him.

“I’m not an invalid, Eskild. I just… felt bad for a moment.”

“Uh-huh, sure,” he heard in reply.

Isak was both exasperated and touched by Eskild’s concern.

“I’m alright now, really.”

And he was, _really_. He had taken a nap after getting home, after which he definitely felt more human than before. It didn’t help his embarrassment, though.

“So, since you’re so alright, have you texted your boy?” Eskild asked.

Isak immediately blushed.

“First of all, he’s not _my boy_ , Eskild.”

Eskild only chuckled at that.

“Also, what would I text him for? We’re probably… over. Who would want to date a guy who breaks down at a photo exhibit? Maybe he could take me to a museum so I could cry there, too.”

Eskild’s expression got a bit more serious at that.

“Isak, you need to stop with the self-deprecating jokes. It’s no longer funny, just sad,” Eskild pointed out.

Isak just shrugged.

“So, is he the one you’ve been spending so much time with recently?” Eskild asked, wiggling his eyebrows.

“Yeah but after today… I really doubt he wants to have anything to do with me.”

“Why? He didn’t seem like a jerk, he was so concerned,” said Eskild. “Is he a jerk?” he added, sounding angry.

“No, no,” Isak rushed to reassure Eskild. “He’s honestly the kindest person I’ve met.”

“Then what’s the problem? He helped you get here, didn’t he?”

“Yeah, it’s just that… he’s got a lot going on as it is, he doesn’t need my problems added to that.”

Eskild huffed in annoyance.

“Well, did he tell you this? That he had too much going on to date you?”

“No, not exactly—“

“Then you can’t decide that for him, baby. You wouldn’t want him to do that to you, would you?”

Eskild waited for Isak to at least nod.

“Exactly. So it seems like you need to have an actual adult conversation with Even, you grumpy boy,” Eskild ruffled Isak’s hair, Isak rolled his eyes at him, and they left it at that.

Of course, talking to Even was easier said than done.

Over the next few days, Even fought the urge to text Isak and, instead, resorted to message Eskild for updates. Eskild, who turned out to be a true sweetheart and didn’t mind Even constantly asking him questions, who always replied to him kindly and patiently. Maybe he felt how much Even cared for Isak.

And it hit Even that he really, honestly cared for this boy whom he had only known for a few months. Suddenly, the absence of Isak in his daily life felt awfully unnatural. He had gotten so used to always texting him, their casual but flirty banter, the kisses and the touches, the hugs.

He knew that getting so attached to a person so quickly wasn’t exactly healthy and good for him, which his therapist would definitely point out if he mentioned it to her. But he couldn’t help but feel joy at his connection with Isak. After all, the moments they had spent together never ceased to lift his mood, even if there were also some heavy topics and dark thoughts involved.

So Even kept track of his moods carefully, especially now that he knew he was prone to feeling down because of Isak’s absence and what he was going through.

He went to work, engaged with his patients and colleagues, sometimes met his friends afterwards, even had dinner with his parents once, but his heart wasn’t in it.

Even knew the one thing that would help him feel better. He considered it for a while before actually making a decision.

And so, one day after work, he found himself walking to Isak’s apartment. It was an incredibly sunny day, it felt almost surreal that the outside world could be such a happy place today, when his own thoughts weighed him down.

As he reached the building, he couldn’t help but feel a bit nervous. Which was silly, right? He had been here before, he had even met one of Isak’s roommates. But he couldn’t shake the thought that maybe Isak wouldn’t want to see him. He had been so tight-lipped about revealing anything personal about himself so now, after Even had seen him cry and possibly… break down, it wouldn’t be surprising if Isak felt ashamed. Even though Even considered that completely unnecessary. But he knew better; more often than not, human emotions were anything but logical.

He was let inside the building by a young girl walking outside with her dog. She gave him a shy smile as she held the door for him. He smiled at her brightly in thanks and she immediately blushed. But Even paid no attention to her, instead focusing on what he would say to Isak.

When he reached the door to the apartment, he just stood there for a bit. But it seemed that luck wasn’t on his side today because the door suddenly opened and there was Eskild, definitely looking surprised to see Even standing just outside the apartment door.

“Are you here to see Isak, handsome?” he asked.

“Uh— that’s the plan,” Even said uncertainly. “Do you think he will want to see me?”

Even must have looked very miserable because Eskild obviously took pity on him and gave him a supportive hug. They even rocked to one side and then another, before Eskild let go of him.

“I’m sure he’s going to be very happy to see you.”

Even smiled, feeling a bit more at ease.

“Thanks, Eskild.”

“That’s what the guru is here for!” he said in reply and gestured for Even to go inside the apartment. “Were you ever going to knock?” he asked in an amused whisper, before running down the stairs.

 _I’m sure I would have knocked at some point,_ Even thought before taking a deep breath and going inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A reminder: only you can feel what you feel, so everything described in this fic is either based on my personal experiences or lots of research. Still, I don't mean to pretend to know what a serious panic attack feels like, so I hope none of you feel offended if I described something incorrectly or in an insensitive way.
> 
> Kudos and comments are what keeps me going so please gimme more if you’re enjoying reading this <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of mental illness, depression, panic attacks, medication.

Even closed the apartment door behind him and went in search of Isak. The door to what he remembered as Isak’s room was wide open and he could already see that there was nobody in there.

Next, he checked the kitchen. Which was also empty.

That only left the living room and the bathroom. He almost stopped at the thought of Isak leaving the shower in nothing but a towel, his body still wet, water droplets making his tight skin glisten.

But that wasn’t the smartest train of thought to have at the moment. He was about to face Isak after days of no contact, this was not the time to think about sex of all things.

And there was Isak, sitting on the couch with a book in his hands, apparently engrossed in whatever he was reading.

_Come on, be brave, Even._

“Hi,” Even managed to croak out.

Isak immediately looked up and couldn’t conceal his shock at seeing Even in his apartment, without a warning and literally out of nowhere.

So Even waved at him awkwardly. _Freaking waved._

“What are you doing here?” Isak asked. His tone wasn’t exactly stone-cold but it wasn’t welcoming, either.

“Umm— I bumped into Eskild and he let me in on his way out.”

That apparently didn’t make for a good enough conversation starter because they both remained silent.

“Uh— how have you been?” Even asked because he couldn’t think of anything better to say but also because he was genuinely curious to know.

Isak shrugged.

_Such a typical Isak response._

“I’m good,” Isak said.

Even just stared at him incredulously.

“Are just going to avoid talking about what happened?” he asked.

“Could we do that?” Isak said and then laughed uncertainly, rubbing his neck and not meeting Even’s eyes.

_What the hell, why not._

“So what are you reading?” Even feigned a casual tone and asked.

It was Isak’s turn to look surprised.

“Do you really want to know?”

Even raised his eyebrows at him.

“I told you, I want to know anything you’re willing to share, remember?”

He then walked to the other end of the couch and sat there, not too close to Isak but still close enough. Especially after not being near him at all in the last few days.

“It’s a book on neuroscience. Different branches of it and what each of them focuses on, what they’re the most useful for,” Isak replied tentatively.

Wow, his boy was _smart_.

“Is it for the health app?” Even asked.

Surprisingly, Isak blushed a bit at the question.

“No, it’s just… for fun, you know?”

No, he didn’t _know_. Even definitely didn’t read science books in his spare time _for fun_. But he did read articles on film and directing, extensively even, so he could probably imagine that this was just as interesting for Isak.

“Alright,” he decided to go with it. “I feel like it’s not just a recent interest, though?”

Isak shook his head.

“I’ve been fascinated by this since I was a kid. You know, how human bodies work, but mostly their brains. How much of our lives is up to us and how much is predetermined somehow, because of genetics or our upbringing, stuff like that.”

Huh, that was definitely something Even hadn’t expected. What Isak was talking about sounded almost like psychology. Even thought Isak would be rather averse to that.

“What made you interested in that?” he asked.

At his question, Isak visibly deflated a bit. He wasn’t animated and excited like he had been just a moment ago.

_There I go, fucking things up again._

“I’m sorry, you don’t need to answer that—“ Even began to say.

“No,” Isak interrupted him. “It’s okay. I can tell you this.”

Isak seemed to steel himself for something difficult as he took a deep breath.

“My mom is schizophrenic,” he said and immediately looked at Even to see his reaction.

But Even didn’t know how to react. He honestly had _not_ expected Isak to say that, of all things.

“Alright,” he managed to say at least. “I’d say I’m sorry but I know that doesn’t really help or make anything better.”

“You’re right, it doesn’t. Thanks though.”

Was this what had been weighing Isak down all this time?

“When I was younger, I wanted to understand what happened to her, why she was that way, what caused her illness,” Isak continued. “Of course, so much is still unknown. But that made me even more interested in finding it out.”

“Why didn’t you go in that direction after high school, then? Study something related to science?” Even asked.

“My dad… he was ‘sick of mom’s shit’, as he had put it,” the contempt in Isak’s voice was enough to tell Even that he didn’t share his father’s views. “He refused to pay my rent if I didn’t go to business school like he wanted.”

Even felt both baffled and outraged at that. He couldn’t imagine his own parents ever forcing him to do something he had no interest in, just because they wanted him to.

“I know there are always options and I probably could have done something to actually study neuroscience but— everything was just so hard then.”

That made Even think that there was probably more to Isak’s story but he definitely didn’t intend to push, already amazed that Isak decided to share something so personal with him.

“I’m sure you did the best you could,” Even said and smiled at him.

“Thanks,” Isak said sheepishly.

After a while of comfortable silence Isak suddenly asked, “What time is it?”

“Almost 8pm, why?” Even said in response.

“Oh shit, I was supposed to meet some friends for drinks at 8.”

“Drinks?” Even raised one eyebrow at Isak suggestively.

“Yeah, I don’t plan on getting shit-faced this time,” Isak snorted at the memory of his spectacularly bad hangover after the last time he had gone out drinking.

“Alright, if you say so. Then I guess you have to run?”

“Yeah, sorry,” Isak really did look sorry to have to leave.

But tonight’s conversation was already a huge step in the right direction so Even wasn’t complaining.

“That’s alright, I get it. You deserve to unwind with your friends,” Even gave him what he hoped was an encouraging smile.

He waited around as Isak gathered his things and got ready to leave.

“Should we— do you want to meet up again soon?” Isak asked a bit breathlessly, whether from running around the apartment or nerves, Even couldn’t tell.

“When did you have in mind?”

“What time do you finish work tomorrow?”

Even laughed softly at Isak’s badly concealed eagerness.

“I’m off at 3pm. You? 4:30, as usual?”

“Um, yeah, but I could probably get off earlier.”

Even smiled even wider at that.

“Tell you what, how about I go grocery shopping and prepare some food for us, and we can make a picnic out of it? That way you won’t have to rush out of work early,” Even suggested.

“Alright,” Isak said, “but only if we have some cheese this time.”

Even couldn’t help but burst into laughter at the memory of Isak’s disgruntled expression when he had thought that Even was a vegan.

“I’ll see what I can do,” he only said in reply.

When Isak was ready to leave, they walked down the stairs together and paused at the front doors at the ground floor.

“So… see you tomorrow?” Even asked. “I’ll pick you up from work. Is that okay?”

“Yeah, definitely.”

Isak looked cute when he blushed, Even decided.

“Can’t wait,” Even said as he started walking backwards, knowing it would make Isak laugh. Which it did, of course. “See you!”

This time, Even didn’t make Isak walk very far. After picking him up from work in the city center, they took a tram and headed to Sofienbergparken.

“So you won’t be forcing me to walk a few kilometers on an injured leg today?” Isak asked teasingly.

“Come on, it definitely wasn’t that far!” Even made an innocent face at Isak.

“Sure felt like it,” Isak said jokingly, tempted to stick out his tongue. He was amazed at how light and carefree he was feeling, being around Even again. He never wanted this feeling to go away.

Soon they found a good spot on the grass and settled down on a blanket that Even had brought for them. Even took a few containers out of his backpack, with food that he had prepared earlier, and laid it out around them.

Isak took off his shoes and socks, and wiggled his toes. It felt good to be out in nature, finally, instead of at the office. He often forgot how much the stillness of nature calmed him down, soothed his worries - even for a little while.

“So, how is the app going?” Even asked while carefully assembling a sandwich.

“It’s pretty good,” Isak replied shortly.

The health app was honestly the only thing that kept Isak from quitting his job at the moment.

“It’s even more exciting now,” he decided to add, “since we’re so close to wrapping up the project. I can’t wait to test it, improve it, see it actually be used to help people.”

“That’s really great, Isak,” Even said. “Do you know what your next project is going to be?”

Isak deflated slightly at the question.

“We’re not sure yet. It might be anything, really. It’s not very often that we get to work on something as interesting as this app,” Isak said, sounding a bit resigned.

“Have you ever thought about… well, changing your job?” Even asked. “I mean, the parts you seem to enjoy about it tend to have something to do with helping people. Sure, building apps is great and can definitely be useful, but you mostly talk about the… human aspect of it all. Have you thought about that?”

Had Isak _thought about that_? When was he _not_ thinking about it?

It felt like this topic was constantly on his mind, how unhappy he was with his job, even if that was what he was supposed to do after graduating. He’s been having these thoughts almost since the very beginning of his career and yet, he hadn’t done anything about it.

“It’s not that easy, Even,” he decided to say in the end. Cut the topic short, don’t go too deep into it.

“So you have considered it before,” Even said instead.

Isak gave him a pointed look in reply.

“Alright, it’s not easy, sure,” Even continued. “But most important things aren’t. That doesn’t mean they are not worth the effort and the hard work, if they help you get where you want to be, where you’re happier, more motivated and satisfied with what you do. Right?”

Isak hated to admit it but Even actually had a point.

“I’ll keep that in mind,” he said to Even, partly to stop him from going further into the topic, but also because he suspected that he would actually go back and think it through, again and again, until he came up with new ideas and solutions to his dilemma.

The subject set aside for now, they jumped to lighter conversation topics, like their favorite childhood pastimes, pets that they used to have, irrational fears, things they did to relax, guilty pleasures, and so on. It was fun to keep getting to know each other better and better.

At one point, they stopped talking and just enjoyed the quiet, hearing the birds sing and the leaves rustle, the sun shining through the trees. They lay close to each other, their sides almost touching, with their hands intertwined, just soaking up the moment.

Later, Even said out of nowhere, “It’s a conscious effort to make it seem like I have it all together.”

Isak frowned to himself. Did he miss the beginning of this conversation?

“Being open to talking about it, not minding when people ask you questions, accepting that progress isn’t always linear, you know, all that stuff you hear people say?” Even continued, but waited for Isak to nod before going on. “I say it too. Because I really want to believe it. So some days I have to force myself to, even if I don’t feel great. Especially then.”

Isak didn’t know where this was going exactly but he knew that he was always willing to listen to Even, so he did just that.

“It’s been really tough for me to truly accept that my illness is a part of me. I had the support of my family and friends, which I’m really grateful for because many people don’t get to have that. But I still feel that mostly, you need to achieve some sort of… peace within yourself first. In the end, it’s your thoughts and your mind, and your life. You need to accept it, make peace with it. No matter what others say or do.

“So I learned to rely mostly on myself, especially because mental illness and all that comes with it is a lot to burden people with. I mean, I know now that’s not how it works, that I shouldn’t think of it as burdening people, but sometimes it’s not exactly easy to escape those thoughts. You know?”

And now Isak had a bit more of an idea about where Even was going with this. He wasn’t sure how he felt about confronting it, though.

They kept looking at each other for a while, until Isak shuffled closer to Even, sighing deeply when Even finally opened his arms and embraced Isak tightly.

“I don’t want this to be a one-way street, Isak,” Even continued. “I know you’d be supportive of me in the future - hell, you’re already supportive of me now. But I won’t be able to share how I feel with you if you don’t let me know what’s going on in that head of yours,” Even said and kissed Isak’s palm. “And I don’t mean it as an ultimatum. I just couldn’t tell you about my problems if you didn’t feel comfortable enough to share your own struggles with me. Then it would definitely feel like I’m burdening you with my stuff.”

All this time, as Even was talking, Isak’s eyes were focused on their joined hands, sometimes jumping up to Even’s face but mostly looking down, listening carefully.

“Do you— do you understand where I’m coming from?” Even asked.

Isak swallowed his fear and looked up, uncertainty shining through his eyes. Then he laid his head back down on Even’s chest.

“It’s not that I don’t want to share things with you,” Isak whispered.

He felt Even stir but otherwise, they stayed pressed against each other.

“If I were to share anything with anyone, it would be you. Of course it would be you,” Isak continued whispering, afraid to raise his voice, as if that would make his words more real somehow.

Even’s hand gripped his tightly. Isak was really glad for the comfort.

“It’s just that most of the time I can’t even put my thoughts into words that would make sense to _me_ , much less to another person. And it’s pretty messy inside my head,” he laughed humorlessly.

Isak realized that they weren’t even talking about anything in particular, that they were just circling around the topic in general.

“And I don’t want you to think I’m going to break every time I decide to talk to you about anything important or serious,” Isak tried to make a joke out of what he considered an honestly embarrassing moment at the photo exhibit, but he obviously failed since Even continued to look at him with worry on his face.

“You probably want to know what happened at the exhibit,” Isak said, his tone obviously heavy at the mere thought of the topic.

“Only if you want to tell me about it,” Even replied.

Isak stayed quiet for a long while. He played with Even’s fingers, obviously deep in thought, as if considering where to begin - or whether to begin at all.

“My parents were never really there for me,” Isak started. “My mom was not on any meds for a long time; dad didn’t want to admit that there was anything wrong with her, that she might actually need professional help. So she wasn’t lucid most of the time. It was almost like she didn’t realize she was my mother…”

Even felt a lump form in his throat, making it harder to breathe. He gripped Isak’s hand tighter, who just glanced at him and smiled sadly.

“My dad… He actually left us when I was sixteen, I don’t think I’ve mentioned that before?” Isak asked.

Even just shook his head, dumbfounded again. He knew Isak’s story wouldn’t be pretty but suddenly, he felt so immensely grateful for his own parents who, in comparison, were absolute angels.

Isak’s voice was flat, practically emotionless as he talked. Even guessed it was the only way he could deal with bringing up the topic at all.

“I actually ran away from home not long after that,” he said quietly. “I didn’t know how to help her. I really tried but she was only getting worse. So I left her, too,” Isak said bitterly, his voice starting to shake.

It hurt Even so much to realize Isak was actually feeling ashamed of himself, when it was his father who was at fault and who should be sorry for the situation he had put Isak in.

“I stayed with my best friend and his parents until the end of high school. Then I found a room in a shared apartment. The first one wasn’t so great, I didn’t really get along with the people who lived there. And then I found out from a friend that Eskild and Linn were looking for a roommate. I’ve been living with them since my first year of uni. Never thought we’d actually become so close. They’re practically my family now.

“So the photos at the exhibit… I guess they just made me think how I never really had a chance to say goodbye to my mom. Who is still alive but not really… there. I just lost her and I didn’t even realize when it happened.

“She’s in a clinic now. Once I got a job, I’ve been able to pay for it. So she has specialists taking care of her and she’s finally on medication.”

Even tried not to let Isak’s story get to his head. It would be too easy to think that whatever happened to Isak’s mother could also happen to him.

“Has she gotten any better?” he asked carefully.

“It’s been almost a year since she got admitted. They’ve tried different medications, since the first ones they gave her caused some serious side effects, so she didn’t want to take them or anything new, either.”

Ah, and wasn’t Even familiar with _that._

“So now they’ve been trying _another_ antipsychotic and it seems to be working. If all goes well, she will just continue with that and then therapy. And then she will probably be able to live on her own again, with some help, maybe after joining some programs, but… yeah.”

“And— what do you think about that?” Even asked, feeling like Isak’s answer would give him a glimpse of Isak’s attitude towards his mother’s mental illness.

Even’s question seemed to snap Isak out of some trance and bring him back to reality.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m really, really glad she’s finally on her way to recovery,” Isak said carefully. “I just don’t know what to expect, like, at all, when she’s finally better. It’s like I’ve been waiting for this exact moment for so long but now that it’s getting closer and closer, I just… I’m not sure how to feel about it. Or what to do.”

Even knew it must have taken a lot of courage for Isak to share all that with him.

“Is that why you’re so interested in neuroscience, to find a more clear-cut way to help people?” Even asked carefully.

 _Because you wish there was a more clear-cut way to help your mom?_ , he thought.

Isak only looked at him sadly, his eyes bright and glistening with what seemed like a thousand regrets, missed opportunities and a wish for more courage.

Even couldn’t help but bring him even closer, wrapping his own body around Isak’s. Then they lay together, their limbs and hearts intertwined.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments are what keeps me going so please gimme more if you’re enjoying reading this <3


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone!  
> So sorry for the lack of regular updates. Life's been tough. I'm trying to channel my struggles into what Isak's feeling though so yeah, expect some angst! ;)

It was only after they had been dating for almost two months that Isak realized Even hadn’t really met his friends. Sure, they had seen each other before; when Even was picking Isak up after he had been catching up with the boys or when Even was dropping him off at a bar where he was meeting Jonas, Magnus and Mahdi for beer. It really struck Isak that while the boys had probably waved hello at Even a couple of times, they hadn’t really _properly_ met.

His thoughts immediately attacked him. _Does that mean I’m a bad friend? Or a terrible boyfriend?_

He felt even worse when he realized how discouraged he himself had felt when Even’s roommates weren’t particularly warm and welcoming. _Does Even think I’m ashamed of him? Am I actually ashamed of_ him _in some way?_

So the next time he and Jonas were grabbing a couple of beers at Jonas’ place, he decided to ask his friend’s opinion. He was honestly sick of his internal struggles.

“Jonas,” he started when there was a lull in conversation as they were eating nachos.

“Hm?” Jonas asked, looking very focused on trying to get as much salsa on his nacho as humanly possible. He then rushed to stuff the nacho in his mouth, looking quite pleased with himself since none of the salsa dripped on his t-shirt.

“Is it weird that we’re not hanging out with Even? Like, all of us, together?”

“Hmm.”

Isak honestly wanted to take the bag of nachos away from Jonas so that he would actually listen to him. But he considered himself an alright friend (sometimes) so he just counted to three in his head and asked again, “What do you think?”

“Well, do _you_ think it’s weird that we’re not hanging out together with Even?”

Fuck Jonas and his reverse psychology bullshit.

“It’s been long enough that I guess we should?” Isak answered, although it sounded more like a question again.

Jonas looked at him like that was what he had thought, too.

“Do you want all of us to spend time together?”

“Well, I don’t _not_ want it, you know?” Isak said with a small frown.

_Great, Isak, that sounded very decisive._

“Is it because of Magnus?” Jonas prompted.

Isak’s frown deepened. “What? What does Magnus have to do with anything?”

“You know the questions he asks sometimes,” Jonas said, “totally not realizing that what he’s saying might be inappropriate or offensive. Actually, his girlfriend is kind of helping him notice that.”

“Wow, she really is good for him, huh?” Isak joked half-heartedly.

They both laughed lightly.

“But, umm, no, it’s not because of Magnus,” Isak said after a moment.

“Do you think he might not like _us_?”

“What?” Isak asked incredulously. “No! No way!”

Jonas just raised his eyebrows in question, as if asking, “what then?”

“I guess maybe I’m thinking that it would really suck if all of you didn’t like each other, didn’t get along, you know?” Isak said slowly, as if it had just occurred to him, which it sort of did.

Jonas nodded thoughtfully.

“I think we’re all pretty chill though, don’t you?” Jonas replied.

“Yeah.”

“Is Even like… uptight or pretentious, or something?” Jonas asked carefully. “I mean, from the way you’ve been talking about him, I assumed he was pretty laid back and spontaneous.”

“He is!” Isak rushed to say. “He really easily gets along with lots of different people. And well, he can be a bit pretentious, too, when he talks about his favorite movies.” Isak rolled his eyes at that, a bit fondly.

Jonas just looked at him, slightly amused. “Alright then, so what are you worried about?”

Isak thought about it for a bit. “I guess I’m worried about… me? I keep thinking he is going to find me boring sooner or later. So what if he actually thinks I’m nothing special when we all meet? Seriously, all we ever talk about is silly shit.”

 _And ridiculously serious topics like my deepest fears and family history of mental illness_ , Isak thought but decided to definitely not mention that part.

But he couldn’t help but think: _what if he gets fed up with me?_

“Isak…” Jonas said, looking at him slightly pityingly but also with confusion. “He likes you for you, not who you’re friends with. Even if we didn’t like him or he didn’t like us - which I really doubt will happen - that’s not the end of the world. As long as you two are happy together, right?

“Oh my god, dude, when did you get so wise? Really?” Isak asked laughingly.

And that’s how Isak found himself sitting at work, in front of his computer, but not really seeing what was on the screen. Instead, he was stuck in his own head, now truly convinced that he _needed_ to get all the guys and Even together so they could finally meet.

“Hey, you,” his coworker, Silje, said to him as she sat down at her desk next to him.

“On time today, huh? What a surprise,” she teased.

Isak only grunted in response.

“Haven’t had your coffee yet, grumpy?”

“Please don’t call me that,” Isak sighed, giving up on having a quiet and peaceful day, knowing that Silje would continue talking _at_ him if not _with_ him.

“So I guess no coffee, yup. Do you want a single or a double shot? I was just about to go to the canteen anyway.”

Isak left his bag and jacket at his desk. “I’ll go with you.”

“Wow! Wonders never cease!”

He only rolled his eyes at her fondly.

Unsurprisingly, Isak couldn’t focus on what he was supposed to be doing at work that day. And it seemed that Silje was getting annoyed with him, too.

“Your constant sighs sound really pitiful, you know,” she said to him, completely honest and straight-forward, as usual.

“Wow, thanks. That’s really uplifting.”

“Why, do you need me to be uplifting? Want some cheering up?”

Apparently Isak’s ‘meh’ noise wasn’t a good enough response for Silje.

“Use your words, dummy.”

“I’m good.”

She just looked at him.

“Are you, really? Nothing you want to tell me about?” Silje asked.

“Will you leave me alone for the rest of the day if I do tell you something?” Isak asked teasingly.

Silje just raised her eyebrows a bit comically at him.

“Go on.”

Isak was tempted to sigh loudly again, just to annoy her a little bit more.

“I’m just… I have this dilemma, I guess.”

“Okay?”

“Yeah… It’s— there’s someone I like, right?” Isak was grateful that Silje didn’t feel the need to comment on that immediately. “We’ve been dating for a while now. So I guess you could say we’re… together. But we mostly spend time by ourselves, just the two of us. So I was thinking that we should probably hang out with my friends, too, all of us together, right?”

Silje hummed.

“Why do you think you _should_?”

Oh, not again, another person with their insightful questions. Why couldn’t anyone just give him a yes or no answer?

“Well, so far it’s been like… like we’ve been in this bubble, right? And that’s not very realistic long-term, is it?”

“Sure, if you plan on being with this person for a long time, at some point they will probably have to meet your friends. And you will meet theirs.”

Isak couldn’t help but notice and really appreciate that Silje didn’t immediately say ‘she’ but rather, ‘they’.

“Well, actually, I’ve already met his roommates, if that counts.”

Isak tried not to let it show but he was almost holding his breath, waiting for Silje’s reaction to the gender he had used.

“And how was that?” she asked.

“They weren’t exactly… unkind or unfriendly, or anything like that. We just didn’t… click, I guess? We probably don’t have much in common, that’s all."

And Isak wasn’t exactly upset over that. He didn’t need to instantly become best buds with Even’s flatmates. _Right?_

“Have you tried making conversation with them?”

Isak rolled his eyes so hard at that.

“Of course! But I couldn’t figure out anything to say other than small talk. It’s like we don’t have anything to talk about, not really.”

He should probably just give it more time, let them get to know him, spend more time with all of them instead of always hiding in Even’s bedroom. Which was why he was starting with his own friends rather than Even’s. It was safer, more familiar.

“Well, how about you invite both your friends and his friends to a bar? Or to your place, or to their’s, it doesn’t really matter. That would make it easier, right? Since the focus wouldn’t be on you alone but on all of you?”

When Silje put it like that, it definitely sounded logical. But it still didn’t make him less terrified of spending time with Even’s roommates (who probably hated him) and, at the same time, having his friends meet Even for the first time. _Great._

After spending his lunch break talking to Silje, Isak ended up unable to focus on work, still, instead staring at his phone, trying to come up with a text to send to Even.

_Want to hang out with my friends tomorrow night?_

It wasn’t very original but at least it was straight-forward.

Even:

_Well, that was sudden._

_But yeah, sure! Where are we going?_

Isak:

_Cool. Maybe the bar where you dropped me off last time?_

Even:

_Ok, that seemed like a chill place ;)_

Isak:

_And maybe you can bring your friends, too?_

And there was the pause Isak had been expecting. Well, no wonder, he hadn’t been especially chummy with Mikael and Adam, and he hadn’t met Even’s other friends.

Even:

_I’ll check if they’re free tomorrow night :)_

The emoji was a good sign, right? Even wasn’t thinking that Isak was being weird?

Isak took a deep breath, tried to push his thoughts in the back of his head and actually get some work done.

Because he had been so distracted most of the day, Isak had to stay at work late, so in the end he barely had enough time to rush home and grab something to eat before he needed to leave again. They were meeting at a bar in Tøyen so at least it wasn’t too far away from the kollektiv.

As he was about to rush out the door, Eskild ambushed him.

“Hot date?” he wiggled his eyebrows in a very suggestive and a very Eskild way.

Isak, predictably, rolled his eyes in response.

“No, Eskild. Just meeting the boys.”

“Mhm… Is that why you’re so dressed up?” Eskild smirked at him.

Isak practically screamed a little on the inside because why did Eskild have to be so observant? And no, of course he wasn’t dressed up.

“I’m not,” he denied it immediately.

“Of course you’re not. Love the shirt,” Eskild said, winking at Isak who was starting to blush a little.

He just sighed deeply, looking down at his shirt which he actually wore quite rarely. It was just a plain grey button-down but still, he mostly wore t-shirts. Was it too much? Was it obvious that he was… trying?

 _What the hell, it’s just a shirt_ , he thought and closed the door behind him with a satisfyingly loud bang.

When Isak got to the bar, Jonas, Magnus and Mahdi were already there, waiting outside. No sign of Adam or Mikael. Or Even. _Thank fuck._

“What’s up, guys?” Isak said as he got closer. “Sorry I’m late, had to stay at work a little longer today.”

“The bar is closed today, man,” Jonas said. “Broken pipe,” he added and pointed to the sign at the door.

“Oh,” was all that Isak thought to say at first. “Well, should we go to yours or…?”

“Nah, man, we’re going to Even’s!” Magnus practically yelled, obviously excited.

_What the hell?_

“What do you mean?” Isak asked, now very confused.

The situation got clearer as Isak noticed Mikael’s dark mop of hair moving closer to them from the other side of the street. It was probably Adam walking next to him. And on Mikael’s left, there was… Even. _Fuck._

It seemed he was really out of luck today. Had all of them already met? Had Isak actually missed it?

“Even and his roommates invited us to their apartment. They’re back with some beers, we were waiting here for you,” Jonas explained.

“Man, you never told us your boy Even was so cool!” Magnus yelled again.

And of course that was exactly when Even, Mikael and Adam got close enough that they could hear their conversation. Isak didn’t know if he was more mortified at Even hearing Magnus calling him ‘Isak's boy’ or at being late to a hangout he himself had arranged. Either way, he was beyond embarrassed.

“Hey,” Even said to him brightly.

Suddenly, Isak wanted to walk up to him, tilt his chin and wait for Even to kiss him, like he always did when they met. But at the same time, he wasn’t sure how comfortable he felt being affectionate with Even around the boys.

He had never actually told them about Even. He had only told Jonas - well, not even - Jonas basically figured it out himself from Isak’s drunk blabbering. Then he just casually mentioned Even when he met up with the boys later and, apart from Magnus’ excited yelling, they weren’t particularly surprised.

Isak hadn’t ever officially come out to the boys. Or anyone, really. Jonas was the only one who actually knew about some of his past boyfriends; otherwise, he didn’t really talk to the guys about it. Isak honestly wasn’t a person who felt the need to share much with others. Still, Jonas was his best friend so of course he knew. Isak suspected he might have hinted at it to the guys - not outright outing him but probably just strongly defending him not dating any girls, which Mahdi and Magnus had always been baffled by.

So it didn’t come as a surprise to anyone when Isak suggested they meet up on a Friday evening, and that he was bringing his boyfriend. Or, if they were surprised, the boys definitely didn’t show it.

“Hey,” he greeted Even, trying his best to put some warmth into his tone, especially for him.

“I’ve invited all the boys back to our place, I hope that’s alright?” Even asked Isak almost immediately.

“Yeah, no, of course,” he replied, a bit surprised Even would even think to ask his opinion on this.

Even smiled brightly at him.

“Let’s go then,” he said and gestured with his head, presumably in the direction of their apartment.

As they started walking, with Mikael and Jonas at the front, and Magnus and Adam not far behind them, Isak and Even stayed back a little bit, almost naturally gravitating close to each other.

Isak felt a bit at a loss, both wanting to share with Even how nervous he had been the entire day and also wanting to just hold him and hear his voice whisper in his ear.

“You look great,” Even said to him out of nowhere.

His tone was so earnest that it made Isak blush which, in turn, caused Even to laugh loudly and put a comforting hand on Isak’s back. The hand squeezed his shoulder and then moved slowly to his neck, caressing it lightly. Isak felt like purring. If only they were somewhere private, instead of outside, walking together with the boys close by.

“Thanks,” Isak said quietly and cleared his throat. “So I know today is sort of— random?”

“I don’t mind random,” Even said, still smiling at him but letting his hand drop from Isak’s neck.

Isak tried not to pout at that.

“Yeah, umm… I guess I just figured that I’ve met your friends but you still haven’t met mine, you know? Didn’t seem fair.”

“I wouldn’t necessarily think of it in terms of what’s fair or not. I guess it has more to do with whether you wanted me to meet them. And if you were ready to, you know?” Even said and again, it threw Isak off how insightful Even could be.

“I did,” Isak said with certainty which he hoped Even could hear in his voice. “I did want to, I mean.”

The smile that Even directed at him in return proved that he understood what Isak was saying. Isak knew he wasn’t very expressive in terms of his feelings so it helped that Even learned to read him and his small gestures.

The rest of the walk to the apartment was more peaceful, after Isak had cleared the air. It made him feel calmer, more relaxed. He let himself get closer to Even as they walked, especially since he knew there was no one behind them. Isak let their hands brush together once in a while and marvelled at the spark of electricity that went through him each time.

Once they got to the apartment, the guys let Jonas be in charge of the music, while Even looked for some games, Mikael and Adam started taking out all the snacks onto the living room table, and Isak offered to put the alcohol into the fridge.

He made his way into the kitchen, which he felt pretty comfortable in by now. To be honest, the entire apartment felt rather familiar to him at this point, since he ended up spending a lot of time here with Even. He opened the fridge and started putting the extra beers away when he heard someone entering the kitchen.

“Hey, man,” Mikael nodded at Isak.

 _Of course_ it was Mikael. It was just his luck, honestly. And it was just the two of them in here. Isak immediately tensed up.

He mumbled a ‘hi’ back and busied himself with getting a beer out of the fridge for himself, and then trying to open it against the counter.

“Sucks that we couldn’t go to the bar, right? The guys said it was pretty cool,” Mikael said, obviously trying to make small talk and also obviously failing.

It’s been a while since Isak had experienced silence that was _this_ _uncomfortable_.

“You know we like you, right?” Mikael said suddenly, Isak’s back still turned towards him. Isak slowly turned around then and he could see that Mikael looked nervous.

“Uhh, I guess?” Isak said uncertainly, the beer hanging limply in his hand, still unopened.

“I mean, Adam, Mutta and Yousef and I. We just care about Even a lot, you know?”

Isak only nodded at that because he _did know_ that, even though he hadn’t met Yousef and Mutta yet. He had no idea how it all related to _him_ though, or why Mikael had the sudden need to talk about it.

Mikael probably saw his confusion and realized he needed to be more clear.

“When you and Even started seeing each other, at least when he told us about it, we could tell it was more than just casual dating for him,” Mikael started. “He asked us to go easy on you, you know? I guess that we tend to overwhelm new people and Even wanted to make sure you wouldn’t get… scared off, probably?

But we honestly didn’t realize it would seem like we were being cold or distant towards you. Even didn’t tell us that anything was wrong and you just seemed pretty… withdrawn in general, so we figured it wasn’t specific to us and that it all good between us, you know?” Mikael shrugged. “So I guess our attempt at being good friends to Even and trying not to overwhelm you sort of— backfired. We’re really sorry, Isak.”

 _Okay, so that was a lot._ If they were trying not to overwhelm him before, now Isak was definitely taken aback. And he really wished that he had managed to get his beer open before this conversation actually started.

“Um— thanks for… explaining, I guess?” Isak said uncertainly.

He didn’t know what else to say and Mikael was obviously waiting for him to speak, a hopeful expression on his face.

“Don’t worry about it, man, it’s cool,” Isak added, hoping to get Mikael to leave him alone.

Somehow, the apology and the explanation didn’t exactly help. It wasn’t that Isak didn’t believe Mikael, he just— needed time to process this. He had been convinced Even’s friends didn’t like him and now that he knew they were actually trying to be considerate towards him, he didn’t know how to act. He couldn’t just switch a button and start being friendly with Mikael. He almost felt like it was a trick.

Mikael looked surprised at Isak’s words. He frowned but then nodded slowly.

“Alright,” he said. “Well, the next time you’re at the apartment, just— don’t be a stranger, ok? Join us, we can play some games together. You, Even and us.”

“Yeah, sure,” Isak nodded even though he knew he most likely wouldn’t do that in the near future.

“Um, I’m gonna—“ Isak gestured towards the living room.

Instead of answering, Mikael put his hand out and gestured towards Isak’s beer. (Which was still closed.) Isak wasn’t sure what that meant but he figured maybe Mikael just couldn’t be bothered to get his own beer from the fridge, so he shrugged mentally and handed him the bottle.

Instead of taking it for himself, Mikael pulled a lighter out of his pocket and opened the beer, handing it to Isak.

“There you go,” Mikael said. “See you around?”

And he left.

Isak stood there for a moment, slightly unsure about what happened, but then he took a swing of his beer and figured his mind might just be playing tricks on him, with Mikael suddenly being so nice to him. Either way, he finally had a cold beer he could enjoy, so he didn’t complain.

As Isak got back to the living room, Even’s gaze immediately found his own, as if asking, “everything alright?”. Isak gave him a small smile and a nod. After a brief moment of hesitation, he settled on the couch right next to Even, their sides touching.

So it turned out quite well. Hell, definitely much better than Isak had expected. Sure, in the end everyone drifted into small groups but they were mixed, both his friends and Even’s. All of them seemed to get along really easily. Normally, Isak would probably be feeling a little jealous at the sheer _speed_ with which they connected but, right now, he was just really glad they all got to know each other and that it most definitely worked out. It felt like a burden, which he wasn’t even very aware of, had been finally lifted off his shoulders.

Which didn’t help him understand why he was still feeling just sort of… flat? Not particularly happy or sad, not really worried but not very relaxed either. Except for Even, there wasn’t much in his life that made him happy anymore. He didn’t have anything to look forward to.

Suddenly, his thoughts jumped to his google search from a few weeks ago, when he was looking into what bipolar disorder was and spent a lot time reading about depression and anxiety, too.

_No, it can’t be. I’m just tired and stressed out._

Still, in his head, he went over the symptoms he had read about. They seemed painfully accurate.

_But that doesn’t mean I can’t just get over it in time._

Isak figured that many people felt like this every day. Sad, hollow, defeated and just so, so tired of trying to feel better. Maybe he should just accept it as a part of growing up. Being an adult was bound to be stressful, maybe he just underestimated just _how_ _much_.

So, as usual, Isak pushed the nagging thoughts to the back of his head, leaning harder into Even’s side, drawing strength and energy from his warmth, and hoping it would be enough to last him a while.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A huge thank you to decraziness for the wonderfully supportive comments that finally made me finish up this chapter and get on with the story 💙

Work continued to be pretty much the same. What maybe changed a bit was that Isak was trying to be more excited about the new project he was working on, or more like trying to channel Even’s excitement into his own attitude. It helped a bit, he had to admit that - paying more attention to the good, albeit minuscule, things in his daily life. That didn’t mean that it wasn’t exhausting, though. Isak definitely wasn’t used to focusing so much on the details of his day. But he was willing to make the effort, not just because he knew it made him feel better but also because he noticed how happy Even was for him.

Even definitely smiled more as Isak’s grumpiness faded away some days and was replaced with tentative smiles and short bursts of happiness. And seeing Even happy made Isak happy. It also made him more sure that the thought of seeing a shrink that he had been entertaining before was a short-lived and silly idea. There was no need to talk to some strangers about his childhood problems and trying to figure out how it could be affecting him today. After all, he was perfectly fine, just the way he was.

Today was one of the rare days when he wasn’t seeing Even after work. Instead, he was forced by Magnus (really, practically _coerced_ ) to help with some birthday surprise he was preparing for Vilde. The rest of the boys and some of the girls were also supposed to be there but they all dropped out almost last minute, due to some other obligations. Sometimes being an adult really was no fun.

Which is why he was on his way to Magnus’ workplace which happened to be a kindergarten. He had to admit he had never imagined Mags as a preschool teacher but, in the end, it made sense. His incredulous energy levels, an easy going attitude and a usually positive mood made it easier for Magnus to get along with most of the kids.

Isak got sick just thinking about having to look after and entertain so many tiny humans. Fortunately, that was never going to be one of his responsibilities.

Or so he had thought. It shouldn’t be surprising to him that Magnus ended up forcing him to watch a kid — “just a for a few minutes, Isak, I promise” — while he apparently had to make a very important phone call.

“Mags,” Isak tried begging him again. “Isn’t there anyone else here who could take care of her?”

“Chill, bro,” Magnus said in reply. _Really, ‘chill, bro’?_ “You’ll be fine.”

“Why is she even here so late?”

“Her mom had an emergency at work so she’s arranging for someone else to pick up Elise,” Magnus explained, his voice making it sound like it wasn’t anything to worry about. “It happens sometimes with the single parents, you know.”

No, Isak didn’t know, but he supposed that it made sense.

“So I’m gonna make that phone call to Elise’s aunt, ok? I just got her number from her mom. Don’t worry, Isak, Elise’s a sweetheart,” Mags said and disappeared from the room.

Isak wasn’t worried about Elise, no. He was more worried about himself and what he should be doing and saying around her.

“How old are you?” the little girl proceeded to ask him almost immediately after they were left alone in the playroom. She was sitting next to a small table and arranging some animal figures there.

Isak grabbed a tiny baby blue chair and sat down next to where she was playing.

“Um, I’m twenty-two,” he replied. “What about you?” he decided to add.

The little girl frowned at that. “You’re old.”

Slightly baffled at her rather direct comment, he laughed in response. Apparently Elise didn’t like that because she furrowed her eyebrows. Isak rushed to correct himself.

“Yeah, you’re right, I guess that is quite old,” he said to her. She nodded seriously at him. “So how old are you then?”

“I’m five!” Elise said proudly and held up four fingers, as if to demonstrate her age more clearly.

Isak smiled at her widely. “Wow! Five is a… serious age.”

_A serious age? What the hell am I even saying?_

“I mean, you’re very grown up,” he proceeded to add, as a sort of explanation. Judging by Elise’s facial expression, it was the right thing to say.

“That’s what mommy says, too,” Elise told him. “Sometimes I help her cook when she’s tired after work,” she added proudly.

Isak had to frown at that. “Is she tired a lot, your mom?” he asked carefully.

On the one hand, he didn’t want to pry into some kid’s home life but, on the other hand, he felt a little concerned about her, since her mom apparently worked late from time to time.

“It’s because she works a lot,” Elise replied, raising her head a bit higher. “She’s a nurse,” she announced.

Isak could tell Elise was proud of her mom. _I don’t remember ever feeling that way about my own parents_ , he thought.

“Right, I can understand she probably does work a lot then,” Isak nodded, feeling a bit at a loss. Should he comfort her? Reassure her somehow?

Instead, Elise proceeded to comfort him, in a way, as if she could see he was a bit concerned.

“Don’t be sad,” she said to him with a bright smile. “Mommy says it doesn’t mean she doesn’t _want to_ spend time with me, she just can’t always do it because needs to be at work to help other people, too,” Elise explained.

Were kids really supposed to be this wise at her age?

“And since momma isn’t with us anymore, she needs to take care of me even more,” she continued.

“Momma?” Isak asked before he could think twice about whether it was too prying.

“I had two moms. But momma went away so now it’s just me and mommy,” Elise explained, her lower lip quivering for a second before she smiled again. “But it doesn’t mean momma didn’t love me. And mommy loves me extra hard! We spend aaall the time together when she doesn’t work!”

Isak had a lump in his throat but still tried his best to nod and smile.

“Of course she does,” he said in a voice that was very close to but hopefully not yet breaking. He cleared his throat and clapped his hands.

“So, what are you playing? Can I join?”

That’s how Magnus found them not long after. He quirked his eyebrow at Isak who just shrugged and smiled back somewhat sheepishly.

“Are you guys having fun?” Mags asked.

Elise nodded almost immediately. “Yeah! Isak’s cool.”

Still a bit surprised, Mags just said, “That’s great! I think he’s pretty cool, too.” He ruffled Elise’s hair. “Your aunt is coming to pick you up in ten minutes, okay?”

Elise hummed, still focused on her animal toys, before raising her head to ask, “Can Isak stay and play with me?”

Magnus didn’t even try to fight his laughter. “I don’t know, can you stay, Isak?”

“Of course,” Isak said directly to Elise. “I know I’m way more fun than Magnus but let’s not tell him, okay?” he whispered to Elise who giggled and smiled happily.

Later on, after Elise’s aunt picked her up from kindergarten, Magnus gathered all his things and they walked towards the exit where he fumbled with his keys.

“So, what’s the plan for Vilde’s birthday?” Isak asked as soon as Mags was done with closing up.

He didn’t comment on Isak’s sudden interest in Vilde’s birthday surprise. They also didn’t mention his short but unexpected playtime with Elise. Instead, being his usual easy going self, Magnus began explaining his idea for the surprise.

Soon they reached Magnus’ apartment, where he lived together with his slightly younger brother who was apparently out somewhere.

“So, here it is,” he gestured towards the floor as they walked into his room.

Calling it a mess would be putting it mildly.

“Um…” Isak tried to make it a question but all that came out was confusion.

“I’m making the letters. For the sign!” Magnus said excitedly.

Somewhere among all the glitter and colors, Isak could potentially see what could _become_ some letters for the birthday sign.

“Mags, I’m shit at cutting out things,” Isak said, scratching his neck absently.

He immediately thought that Even without a doubt loved that sort of thing. Obviously what Mags was doing was primary school level and Even knew how to draw really well but Isak thought he would enjoy this anyway. Still, he didn’t want to bother him with something like this.

“Yeah, I’m not that great either,” Mags admitted. “I’m honestly not much better than the kids.”

They looked at each other and burst into laughter.

“Well, let’s get to it, then,” Isak said and sat cross-legged next to the mess of colorful pieces of paper, gold and silver sheets, and some glitter markers.

Before they actually started doing anything productive, he sent a quick snapshot of it to Even and captioned it “Mags and me being artsy”. He smiled to himself, then shook his head and finally joined Magnus.

They were well into this disaster of a project when Isak got a message from Even. He gently put down the decoration element he had been working on and picked up his phone to open the text.

It was a photo of Even holding a sketchbook in his lap and drawing, captioned “me also being artsy ;)”. Isak couldn’t stop himself from smiling. Before he could think twice about it, he took a quick photo of his now destroyed decoration piece — since it decided to fall apart in a matter of seconds — and sent it to Even.

Isak:

_I’m definitely what you would call a struggling artist._

Incoming call:

Even

“Umm, hey,” Isak said uncertainly, not expecting Even to call him out of nowhere.

As soon as Isak heard Even’s soft laughter, he felt his insides melt. _What am I, a teenage girl with a crush?_

They had been dating for a few months now and he still tended to react to Even this way. Was that even normal, to continue to be so moved by the little things Even said and did, months into them seeing each other?

“What are you guys trying to make?” Even asked.

Isak could practically see the smile on his face.

“Umm, letters for a birthday sign. For Vilde,” Isak replied, almost stuttering a bit. “We’re struggling a bit with the glitter parts. Mags saw a tutorial online but it’s not as easy as it looks on the photos and it’s really not turning out as expected. I mean, seriously, why put so much glitter in so many weird patterns on each letter, I don’t get it.”

Could he ramble any more? Isak closed his eyes in slight embarrassment.

“Well, do you want some help?” Even offered.

Isak blinked. “No, no. I mean— I don’t mean that we wouldn’t want you to— I just—“ he proceeded to stutter and embarrass himself even further.

Even only laughed again in response but not in a mean, deprecating way. His voice was soft and kind, like it always was.

“I’d be happy to help,” Even said again, his tone genuine and not too insistent. “I’m also honestly sort of bored at home.”

Isak pursed his lip, looked at Magnus first, then at the mess in front of them, and replied, “Okay, I’ll text you the address.”

“Nice. See you soon, baby,” Even whispered the last part.

Quite predictably, Isak blushed and muttered something indecipherable in reply.

“Even’s coming over to help,” he announced to Magnus. “I’m going to get some water from the kitchen, alright?”

“Awesome!” Mags exclaimed, obviously relieved. “Oh it’s going to be so good with Even helping us! He’s so cool, man.”

He got up from the floor, brushed some glitter and sequins from his jeans and gestured for Isak to follow him into the kitchen, which let him see that Magnus’ butt was almost completely covered in pink glitter. He just laughed to himself but decided not to say anything to Mags. Let him suffer a bit for liking his boyfriend a tad too much.

Isak pulled out his phone to send Even a reply.

Isak:

_Thanks, you’re a lifesaver._

And, after a moment’s hesitation, decided to add:

_< 3_

Even:

_< 3 <3 <3_

With Even’s help, the whole thing took only about half an hour longer. They didn’t mess up the first part at least, managing to follow the most basic instructions. Even turned out to be quite handy with glittery pens and flimsy gold sheets that were supposed to be cut into specific shapes.

“I did lots of art projects when I was younger,” he explained, seeing Isak’s incredulous stare.

Soon, the birthday sign for Vilde was ready and it looked pretty great, considering the rocky start.

“Thanks so much for helping, man!” Magnus said to Even and gave him a quick hug, patting him on the back a few times.

“No worries, it was fun!” Even replied with a genuine smile. “It’s been a while since I’ve done something like this. I don’t think I’ve ever used pink glitter though, more like black and purple,” he laughed again, obviously remembering what he used to do in the past.

“Do you guys want to grab a beer?” Magnus asked. “Since we’re done and this went so well thanks to the boyfriend,” he moved his eyes suggestively, making Isak positively embarrassed, more on his friend’s part than his own.

Even looked at him questioningly, as if to check with him first.

“Yeah, sure, why not,” he said immediately. After all, he never turned down free beer. Even smiled at him and placed his hand on Isak’s lower back as they made their way into the kitchen. Both of them smiling and Isak trying not too blush too visibly.

It turned out to be a surprisingly chill evening. Isak had never imagined hanging out with just Even and Magnus, of all people, but Mags’ constant stream of words made it easier for them to begin chatting about practically anything and, in the end, the atmosphere was quite relaxed and comfortable.

It felt really good and honestly very relieving to see Even and Mags get on so well. Sure, both of their friend groups had met before at Even’s place and they all had fun that night. _Well, maybe barring the weird kitchen moment with Mikael_ , Isak thought. So while he did know that Even and his friends got along well, it was still reassuring to see it with his own eyes again.

After a few more beers at Magnus’ place, both Even and Isak decided to leave around the same time. They took the same tram until Isak’s stop came up and he had to get off. He pecked Even lightly on the lips and smiled happily when Even stroked his cheek and then kissed his forehead, before letting him go.

As he was walking home from the tram stop, Isak couldn’t stop his thoughts from circling back to one topic. Elise. A little girl who was growing up with only one parent. One very busy but very dedicated and loving parent. And somehow she was alright with it, at the _very grown up_ age of five. She probably didn’t understand a lot of it yet but still, it seemed she and her mom had a system that worked for them. Elise didn’t seem sad that her mom had to work late sometimes or that she didn’t have a dad — or another mom, like she apparently used to. It didn’t make her feel any less loved, from what Isak could tell. Still, he couldn’t understand why it made _him_ feel so utterly devastated.

On Saturday, both Isak and Even had a day off. It wasn’t so common for Even to have weekends off since he usually picked up a lot of extra shifts. He explained that before they met, he honestly didn’t have any obligations outside of work so he used to take the weekends to help out colleagues who had families and kids to spend time with. And honestly, Isak wasn’t exactly surprised, having experienced how kind-hearted Even was, but he was also secretly glad that Even didn’t take as many weekend shifts recently.

They decided to meet up at Even’s and cook lunch together — or, more like, for Even to cook and for Isak to try and help without messing anything up in the kitchen in the meantime.

This time, surprisingly enough, they were not making any Thai food. Instead, Even decided to prepare some pasta dish Isak had never heard of before. He also complained to Even that pasta wasn’t a typical lunch meal.

“Who said that _I’m_ typical?” Even just replied with a failed wink. Isak’s heart still began to beat faster.

It must have been the best lunch Isak had, ever. He also said so in between scooping pasta up onto his fork.

Even’s hand found his on the table and so their hands lay there, intertwined.

“I’ll make sure that we have more lunches, then,” Even said and squeezed Isak’s hand. Isak squeezed back. And if his chest clenched a bit then, too, no one had to know.

When they were done with their food, they ended up sprawled on the couch together, watching a TV show Even had been raving about. Isak couldn’t tell if the show was good or not, his thoughts running rampant in his head. He felt like the only thing that was grounding him was Even’s hand softly stroking his arm as he held Isak close to his chest.

His brain kept coming back to the kindergarten and his short talk with Elise. Why was he even thinking about a conversation he had had with a little kid? So she had a single parent who obviously tried to do her best for her kid, so what? It wasn’t that he was judging her mom, on the contrary — he appreciated her efforts to keep her daughter happy and loved, for Elise’s sake, of course. Still, he couldn’t shake the feeling of utter sadness at the thought of the little girl waiting for her mom.

“Baby,” Isak heard Even’s whisper and felt a kiss on his temple. “You’re tense. And I can practically hear the wheels turning in your head,” he said a little more lightly, as if not to pressure Isak too much.

Isak took a deep breath. “Yeah, there’s just something on my mind. It’s nothing serious though.”

Even looked at him carefully and it seemed like he had decided to let it go this time. “Just tell me if you feel up to talking about it, okay?”

On the one hand, it was a perfect reaction. Even was being as considerate as always, careful not to make him feel obligated to explain his worries. On the other hand, Isak wanted him to pressure him, at least a little, enough to help him open up. He doubted he would ever have the guts to say much about what was going on in his head on his own. He needed Even to dig deeper and continue to ask him.

Instead, he simply nodded and turned a bit more towards Even to put his head on his chest.

_He can’t read your mind, though_ , Isak heard what sounded like his own voice in his head.

Later the same day, in the evening, Isak was trying to decide between starting a new TV show or a book, all the while curled up in bed, in a ridiculously uncomfortable position that would probably cause him neck pain later.

He didn’t think he could manage to focus on a book. A TV show could work well enough and distract him from his unrelenting thoughts. He knew he would get bored and distracted after a while though, so he didn’t bother to play anything. Instead, he just lay there, starting at the ceiling and trying to make sense of the ridiculous mess that was his mind.

Isak thought of Even, how grateful he was for his presence in his life in the last few months — however sappy it sounded. Just being with Even, next to him, knowing he could always reach out and be met with a smile and strong arms that would immediately wrap themselves around him, all of it helped so much. He also knew he could talk to him and Even would listen. He had listened, time and time again. Sometimes it was hard to get the words out but once he did, Isak didn’t regret opening up one bit. Even never judged, never assumed anything. He usually only asked questions to make sure he fully understood what was going on in Isak’s head.

And wasn’t that a hilarious concept. Isak almost snorted at the thought. He wished he understood his own mind. There were some worries rooted so deeply in him that even Even’s presence, kindness and willingness to listen and help, if needed, were not enough.

Sometimes he felt that he finally had a handle on it, as if it was no longer an issue — but the devastating, all-consuming feelings of sadness and pointlessness always came back. Other times, he just wished he could stop feeling altogether. In those moments, he often had a fleeting thought that maybe life wasn’t this way for everyone, that it wasn’t supposed to be so hard to just _breathe._ Even getting up from bed in the morning, getting ready for work, holding a silly conversation with his colleagues, making dinner — all and any of it was too much sometimes.

_Does Even feel that way when he’s depressed?_

At that thought, almost on an impulse, Isak grabbed his laptop and sat up straight in the bed. He opened a new tab is the browser before pausing for a moment. He then took a deep breath and started typing.

_Oslo psychologists_


End file.
